Lord of the Things: The Buddyship of the Thing
by ecnarf
Summary: COMPLETE!!! Well, my mind has been put to good use at last! Yay, bashing Harry Potter all day make me and you go happy mappy! Oh, and being very funny, i suggest you read this book. A LOT of HP bashing, and VERY funny stuff. Read, and if you do, LIVE!!!
1. Prologue: One thing to do something!

My first LOTR story- I hate most, love few. Aaaaaaanyyway, this is a Super- Parody! From a-zed, I only miss y and x. Enjoy!  
  
  
  
The Earth has changed. I smell it in the earth. I touch it in the air. I feel it in the thingy that's kind of around us, but we don't know what it is. I think it's called a spirit, but that would cause some religious debate there. Don't want that, do we?  
  
Much that once was, is lost. Though none now live who remember it. Long ago, in Middle-Earth, just above lower earth and lower than tall earth, a tale of great proportions came to pass.  
  
It started with the making of the great Things of Power. Though officially the Elves made them on their own, three were given to them. Immortal, fairest and wisest of all creatures. With this knowledge, they ousted house-elves to the land of Harry Potter, who only the witless and the dumb who don't know what truly good writing is read, and the few intelligent ones are buggered into it by friends and school, and sincerely regret it.  
  
Seven were given to the dwarves, master miners, whiners and winers. Snow white got pissed, but hey! She's almost dead, right?  
  
Neine, no nine, were given to the race of Men. Stupid, dumb, greedy and tireless they are. We aren't sure if George W. Bush is a member, but it would help if he wasn't.  
  
But they were all of them deceived. In the fires of Mount Doom and Gloom, the dark lord Sar-On forged, in secret, a Master Thing. He took molten gold, and a fancy new model which he bought with his allowance from Mummy, he tried, and failed miserably, to pour in his cruelty, his malice and his will to dominate all life. That failed, so he just poured in his blood.  
  
And taking the sharpest blade from the finest sword, he tried to engrave a verse upon the band. This, by the way, is miserably mistaken in the movie, but he knows better, don't he?  
  
Right upon contact with the Thing, the sword shattered. He kept on using all possible blades he could find, but none would work. Deep in the Armoury, he felt about him for a blade, and pulled out his Swiss Army knife, constantly thinking 'Does Switzerland REALLY have an army?'  
  
Pulling out the small whittling blade, he put it to the Thing. It did not break. He engraved the message, but it didn't show up. He threw a tantrum and threw it into a small fire, and it suddenly appeared.  
  
"Hey!" He exclaimed. "Talk about serendipitous!" And with that, he began to dominate all life. Except for the elves. They made their own Things, remember?  
  
Over time, the Free Peeps of Middle Earth fell to the Shadow. But there were those who resisted. (Insert fancy sounding drums and doomy music here) A last alliance of Men, and Elves (even though its really called the Last Alliance of Elves and Men, and there might be some after this one) marched against the armies of More and Less Door. And on the slopes of mount Doom and Gloom, they fought for the freedom of Middle Earth.  
  
(See all these battle scenes, arrows zipping by Elronds head, orcs getting killed, yada yada yada) But the will of the Thing could not be undone. Sar- On, running away from Mummy, joined in the thickest part of the battle. Don't ask how it got thick, but custard and corn starch WAS involved. He waved his Swiss Army Knife around, and everyone flew back on fancy cables.  
  
It was at this hour, the Isinthedoor, son of the King Isonthefloor of Here and Gone Door, took up his fathers sword. His daddy lay dead on the ground, because he killed him Gladiator style, crying while he suffocated his father. What a dumbass.  
  
Anywho, he took up the sword Parsel, and slashed the Thing from Sar-On's body part where it lay. Yes, the Thing is amorphous. Don't know where it could POSSIBLY go, but if Sar-On got UP OFF HIS ASS and got a decent model, he'd have a better time of it.  
  
With a giant explosion, Sar-On, the Enemy of the Free Peeps of Middle Earth, was defeated. It is described as having a giant shockwave pass out through the area, and killing everyone, but at least Elrond and Isinthefloor survived.  
  
The Thing should have been destroyed, but the hearts of Men are easily corrupted, and the Thing of Power has a thingy of its own. Not that kind, I mean that thing, where you can do something on your own, um. Well it doesn't matter, it doesn't matter!  
  
The Thing lay dormant for IT'S A WILL! A WILL! Two and a half thousand years. And for that long, it passed out of all knowledge. Well, not really, because Elrond was there, and he's still alive, along with other Elves, so that's not really accurate, right?  
  
One sunny day, Smeagol was going out fishing. Grabbing his gear, and humming that catchy Bell Canada theme, he went out to the dock and fished. And instead of catching his daily boot, he caught the ring. Lucky. So he took it to the Misty Mountains, and there, it consumed him. Well, not really, it didn't EAT him, but it DID poison his mind.  
  
"My love, my own, my preciousssssssssssssssss." He would chant, over and over, because he couldn't find a better word. He wasn't very bright. So for five hundred years he stayed in the cave, consumed by the Thing, but not eaten, as I've already pointed out to the lucky few who can read faster than a snail shuffling up a mountain festooned with rocks and grizzly bears. Lucky bears.  
  
Rumour grew of a shadow in the East. Whispers of a nameless fear. And the Thing of Power received; its time had now come. It abandoned Gollum.  
  
But something happened then, the Thing did not intend. But it was meant to happen, somwhow, but not by the Thing. It's a long story, in one of the many millions of books made by Tolkien. Meh.  
  
It was picked up by a habit. No, not those robe thingies you see in Redwall, a hafling. Nuisances they were, a terrible habit to pick up. So they were called habits. The habits themselves didn't get the joke. Their tiny brains don't get much, now do they?  
  
It was picked up by the most unlikely of creatures. Wilbo Bilburforce of the Shower. He crawled into Gollum's cave, picked it up, won a riddle contest, and got out. I dunno, read the Hobbit if you must.  
  
For there would come a time when Habits would shape the fortunes of them all.  
  
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So what do you all think? I know, its just a silly prologue, chapter two will come out again soon. And to the people who started hating my OTHER book? SCREW YOU! 


	2. A Long-Expected Par-tay

Welcome back to the place where there is NO end to the insanity! I only wrote this about five minutes after the first chapter. No reviews yet. WHY?  
  
************************************************************************ 60 years later, the Shower...  
  
Frobo Bilburforce was sitting against a tree, and saw a trail of smoke from a distance. He didn't think much of it, until he remembered that Old Man Gandy always set forest fires when he arrived in the Shower. Smoky Bear was not pleased.  
  
"You're late!" He yelled at the wizard.  
  
"A Wizard is never late." Retorted Old Man Gandy. "He only pisses everyone off by not coming early enough." He said, and for no plausible reason, the two burst into foolish laughter.  
  
"It's wonderful to see you Old Man Grey!" Frobo yelled, and the Sackville Bagginses got even more pissed. He laughed harder yet. "What news of the outside world? Tell me everything!" He yelled into the ears of the wizard. Gandy smacked him off the cart, but Frobo returned Terminator style, so Gandy gave up.  
  
"The wide world turns as it once did. Most people don't even know of the existence of Habits. For which I am very grateful." He said dully.  
  
"That's it?" Frobo yelled once more.  
  
"Well, of course it is. This scene never happens in the book, so the screenwriters just fill it up with crap." Gandy said. A bunch of children gathered round the cart, hoping for fireworks. 'G for Gastronomically Challenged!' they shouted. Gandy turned around, and started to yell at them. "WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU PEOPLE? HAVE YOU NO PATIENCE FOR THE DAMN PARTY! WHY CAN'T AN OLD WIZARD GET HIGH OFF OF PIPE WEED AND NOT BE BOTHERED BY YOU UGLY, DEFORMED CHILDREN OF UGLY IDIOTS???" At this, the children became very sad, and began to cry. 'Oh, what the hell.' Gandy thought, and set off a few fireworks. He chuckled dryly to himself. The children started dancing around, trying to avoid the fireoworks. Frobo laughed incredibly hard right in Gandy's ear. He was not pleased, so he blasted his head off. It grew back jeeves style like in Men in Black.  
  
"You insensitive prick!" Frobo yelled in his ear. "Do you have any idea how much that hurts?"  
  
"Yep." Gandy said, and pushed Frodo off the cart. That was where he was going to get off.  
  
"I'm glad you're back!" He called at Gandy. He cursed him with elvish style ears, which is how all habits got their ears, from Gandy. They annoyed him to no end.  
  
The cart pulled up to Hag End, where loud noises of certain actions were heard. Gandalf though someone had burned themselves cooking, so he ran right inside. Inside a door to the kitchen, he knocked.  
  
"No!" Came a disgruntled voice. "We don't want well-wishers or distant relations! If that's you, Lobelia, I'll have your head on a stick!"  
  
"And what about very old friends?" Gandy yelled back. The door opened up, and Wilbo Bilburforce opened the door.  
  
"Gandy!" He exclaimed. "Wonderful to see you!" He said, and they hugged in a friendly way. Of course, Old Man Gandy had to bend all the way down to greet him, but he didn't mind.  
  
Wilbo was clutching something on his hand. It was a dock leaf, he had burned his hand. A wizard was always right.  
  
"Would you like some tea? Or maybe something a little stronger! I've got some old Jack Daniels left. Came by here just last week!" He said, bustling around. "I've got some cheese, here. I can make you some eggs, if you like!" He said.  
  
"Just tea, thank you." Gandy said.  
  
"Or maybe some Smirnoff? Gave me some bottles for a birthday present just yesterday!"  
  
"JUST TEA, THANK YOU!" Gandy yelled at him.  
  
"Oh, right!" Wilbo said, and picked up the scalding kettle which was already pre-boiled. Wonder how he knew that.  
  
"So you intend to stick to your plan?" Gandy asked.  
  
"Yes, yes, all the preparations are in order." Wilbo said. "Everything's going to Frobo."  
  
"And what about this Thing of yours, that's going to Frobo as well?" Gandy asked suspiciously.  
  
"Well, if everyTHING is going to Frobo, of course the THING is going to Frodo. Makes sense, doesn't it?" Wilbo retorted.  
  
"Yes, it does." Gandy said.  
  
"You know, here I'm supposed to say a line, other than the four or five that's really in the book. You wonder what Peter Jackson was thinking." Wilbo mused.  
  
"As do I, my old friend." Gandy said, smiling. He was also seen shuffling small cue cards in his hands. "Umm... oh, yes!" He said, clearing his throat. "You go next."  
  
"Oh, yes! I worry about Frobo. He'd come along with me if I asked him to. I want to see mountains, Gandy, mountains! And then settle down where I can finish my book!" He said. Then shuffled his cards once more. "Whoops! Looks like the coffee guy has been messing with these again!"  
  
"Can we just skip to the scene where we're smoking on the hill?" Gandy asked.  
  
"Sure, why not?" And so they were on a hill, smoking pipe-weed.  
  
"Old man Grey, my old friend, this'll be a night to remember!" Wilbo exclaimed, followed by a shower of fireworks meant to freak the audience. Lucky them, it worked on me.  
  
People were doing a weird kind of ducklike dance, hopping around stupidly, until Rosie arrived, and set it straight. Frobo sat down, tired.  
  
"Go on Sam, ask Rosie for a strip!" He yelled in his ear.  
  
"No, I think I'll get another ale." He said nervously, and started to get up.  
  
"Oh no you don't!" Frobo yelled again once more, and sent him flying into Rosie, where, behind a curtain, shadows were moving in the strangest ways. Like I say, Habits are a terribly blind people.  
  
Gandy was setting off more fireworks, and Merry and Pippin were trying to steal one.  
  
"No, no the big, one, idiot!" Merry was saying.  
  
"Gotcha!" Pippin said, pulling out a tiny one.  
  
"No, no, the other kind of big!" Merry hissed once more.  
  
"Gotcha!" Pippin said, pulling out a large dragon shaped one. He walked off with it, stroking it fondly. Merry bit into an apple, though he didn't need to. People weren't even looking at them, and they would have known instantly they were up to something just because he bit into the apple. These were exceptionally dumb Habits.  
  
Pippin kept stroking the firework fondly, while other Habits sent off another one. Gandy ran over to them and pulled off their ears.  
  
"Meriadoc BrandyAddict. And Peregrin Falcon. I might have known." He said, while the Habits howled in pain and tried to explain their innocence. Gandy gave them new elvish style ears. He chose them because the ones who REALLY sent it off already had their new ears in place. Lucky them.  
  
"Speech!" The habits cried. Who exactly said this or how it was said is unknown, but its how it was written by Tolkien, and he's the high honcho.  
  
Wilbo got up. "My dear BAGGINSES AND BOFFINGS" he called. "TOOKS! BORROWED! STOLE! BRANDYADDICTS! GRUBBS! GRABS! BAGS! BRAGS! CHUBBS! AND YOU FOOLS OF SACKVILLE BAGGINSES!" With this last sentence, an even louder cheer was heard. "TODAY IS MY ELEVENTY FIRST BIRTHDAY!" He called. Nobody cheered. Someone coughed, which was followed by a crowd of 'shh!'  
  
"WHICH IS A GREAT ACHIEVEMENT!" HE called, and now there was a cheer of 'Happy Birthday!' "AND ALAS! ELEVENTY ONE YEARS IS FAR TOO LONG A TIME TO LIVE AMONG SUCH STUPID AND AGONIZING HABITS!" He called, and there were a few murmurs from the crowd. "AND ELEVENTY ONE" he said, and people told him to stop with the eleventy one. "I LIKE HALF OF YOU DOUBLE AS WELL AS YOU DESERVE, AND I KNOW DOUBLE OF YOU DOUBLE AS WELL AS I SHOULD LIKE!" and with this, people started throwing their mugs and bottles at him. Battered and bruised, he made an unusually rash decision. "I wish to make AN ANNOUNCEMENT!" He yelled, and all the people became silent and listening. Very unusual for Habits. "I'm leaving now! I hope you've learned your lesson!" And with that, he put on the Thing, and disappeared. People were baffled at what lesson they were supposed to learn, and then cheered at the fact Wilbo left, and learned that if they hated someone, beat them up until they decide to leave. It would be said the next day that there was not a soul remaining in the Shower. After that, everyone came back hoping to take it over, and ended up in the same sad predicament.  
  
Wilbo strode back to Hag End, flipped the Thing in the air and put it in his pocket.  
  
"I suppose you think that was terribly clever?" Came the voice from Gandy.  
  
"Oh, come now Gandy, it was so agonizing, I have to run away from these people." He whined.  
  
"Where's the Thing?" He asked out of question.  
  
"It's over there on the mantelpiece." He said. "No wait, its here in my pocket. Isn't that strange? But why not? I found it its mine! My love, my own, my precioussssss." He hissed.  
  
"That ring has been called precious, but never by you!" Gandy said. "I think you've had it plenty long enough.  
  
Wilbo was shaking with rage. He tried to conjure the best insult he could muster. "You just want it for yourself, that's all!" He yelled at Gandy.  
  
Now Gandy, being a wizard, was entirely unoffended by this stupid remark. But beind one of the Wise, he knew it was the best insult a Habit could find.  
  
"WILBO BILBURFORCE!" He boomed. A cold air surrounded him, and he was supposed to grow to monstrous heights, but the cameraman doesn't know how to pan down. Idiot. "DO NOT TAKE ME FOR A CONJUROR OF CHEAP TRICKS!!!" He boomed, and shrank back down. "I'm trying to help you." And with that, Wilbo ran in tears to Gandy.  
  
"Now you should let it go." Gandy said softly. (Insert fancy dramatic music) Wilbo had the Thing in his hand, tilting unnecessarily slowly, just to make this movie and novel even longer. It dropped to the floor with a loud thud, and Wilbo walked out the door.  
  
"I haven't thought up an ending to my book yet." He mused.  
  
"And I'm sure you will." Gandy said, smiling. And so Wilbo Bilburforce left the Shower forever.  
  
Gandy stood towering over the ring. Now here we all expect something scary, just because of the neat camera angle we've got going. Now lower your hand to the ground, yes, that's it, and here!  
  
Gandy saw a red flash with a dark slit flash upon him for an instant, and then stop. He then sat by the fire smoking some pipeweed, in a strange trance.  
  
"My preciousssss." He hissed at the flames. Frobo walked in the background, and picked up the Thing without trouble. What's wrong with that picture?  
  
"He's gone, hasn't he?" He asked to Gandy. He didn't look away, still in his madness.  
  
"Wilbo's ring. He's gone to stay with the Elves. He's left you Hag End, along with all his possessions." He said in a strange ramble. "Now I must go."  
  
"But you've only just arrived!" Frobo exclaimed.  
  
"There are things I must see to."  
  
"What things?"  
  
"Questions. Questions that need answering. Besides, stupid Harry Potter and his friends keep thinking I'm Dumbeldor." Yes, take that you assholes who think I'm misspelling it. I'm doing that intentionally!!! MUAHAHAHAHHAHAHHAHA!!  
  
Just then, Harry, Ron and Hermione came into view. "Dumbeldor, Dumbeldor!" Harry cried. "Voldemort's returned to power!" And with that, Gandy ran away with a strange yell, probably from madness of being exposed to such a sad and pathetic little wizard.  
  
Hermione stopped being her and changed into the much uglier Emma Watson, and started making little flirty actions and Frobo.  
  
"AAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!! MY PREETTTTTTTTY BLUUUUEEEEEEE EEEEEEEYEEEEEESSSSS!!!!!!!!" Frobo yelled. "THEY'RE RUINNNNNNNEEEEEEEDDDDDD!!!!!!!!!!!!!! GEEEEEEETTTTTTTTT TTTTTTTTTHHHHHHHHEEEEEEEE HHHHHHEEEEEEEEEELLLLLLLLL AAAAAAAWWWWWWWAAAAYYYYYYY FFFFFFFFFRRRRRRRROOOOOOMMMMMMM MMMMMMMEEEEEEE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"  
  
Emma had a fangirl swoon. "Ahhh!" She said dreamily. "Get the hell away from me!" And, seeing Frobo was in danger, Gandy smoted Emma to a world of devilry. He should have sent her to More and Less Door, but he sent her back to Hogwarts. Go figure.  
  
"I must find pokers to poke out my eyes!" Frobo exclaimed. "My eyes, they are ruined from such ugliness!" And then he remembered the sight Ron and Harry, and started to puke, dunk his head in boiling water and have a bath in boiling bleach, until he was cleansed.  
  
"Ahh!" He said, relaxing.  
  
Now here we have Gandalf going off to near More and Less Door, seeing fire erupt. Seconds later, he is in some city, probabably Minor Tilith, looking up the diary of Isinthefloor. I'm sure he wouldn't be too happy about that. He'd have thought it was his little brother or something.  
  
So after going so far in about five seconds, he returns to the Shower. Don't know how he does it, but its supposed to be about seventeen years after that he comes back and explains the rings. How mucked up are you, Peter Jackson?  
  
So he comes back, and Frobo walks inside, and Gandy ambushes him.  
  
"Is it secret, is it safe?"  
  
"You never told me that."  
  
"Sorry. But is it?" He asked.  
  
"Oh, no. Gave it to some Black Rider guy who came by asking for it. Said it was his master's, and I don't mean to be rude, so I gave it to him." He said, and scampered down into a small chest with Gandy about to brand him with hot pokers. In fact, he was, with a giant red hot piece of steel aimed straight at Frobo's rear end.  
  
"Oh, wait!" He called. "Here it is! I made a fake, and must have given it to the Rider. I'll have to give him the real one, then."  
  
"Oh no you don't. I mean to talk to you about it." And so he threw it in the fire.  
  
"What are you doing?" Frobo yelled in his ears. Gandy picked up the Thing with a pair of thongs. "Aren't you supposed to you tongs?" Frobo asked.  
  
"OH, sorry." He said, and did it again. "Hold out your hand, Frobo." He said. "It's quite cool." He placed the Thing on Frobo's hand, but accidentally branded his hand with the tongs. "Whoops!" He exclaimed, and undid the burn.  
  
"Can you see anything?" HE asked.  
  
"Why ask me? You can see it just as well. Here, look! One Thing to bring them all and in the darkness do something that might either bring them together or bring them so far apart they circle the earth and end up back together so in either way they end up together!"  
  
"That is the correct version. The film version is: One Thing to somehow show more control over the others to politically correctly have absolute power, One Thing to search to and locate either the corpse, spirit or rightful heir of the group who are aforementioned in clause nine section thirteen paragraph eight sentence two, One Thing to bring them all and in the darkness do something that might either bring them together or bring them so far apart they circle the earth and end up back together so in either way they end up together." He paused for a large breath. "This is the one Thing, forged by Sar-On himself."  
  
"Well, we put it away. Never speak of it again. No one knows it's here, do they Gandy?"  
  
"There was one who knew. I searched tirelessly for the creature Gollum. But the Enemy found him first. They tortured him for I don't know how long, but out of the babble they found to words: Shower, Bilburforce. I think that that was what they thought was babble before, so they kept on torturing him. Poor little bugger," He said Austin Powers style "I salute you!"  
  
"So what do we do?"  
  
"I must see the head of my order, Whitemember. He is both wise and powerful. Plus he's Dutch. How useful is that, eh?" He said.  
  
"There are two people I can't stand: People who discriminate, and the Dutch!" Frobo exclaimed.  
  
"Dutch hater!" Gandy said, and beheaded Frobo, but brought him back to life. "Don't EVER insult the Dutch. The writer is half Dutch and he controls the story! Show respect!"  
  
"Oh, I'm so sorry!" Frobo said, bowing and praying for forgiveness from me. I let him off easy this time, but he will pay...  
  
(Insert that blasting music) I'm gonna get you Frobo Bilburforce! ******************************************************************** So, I posted the story this morning, and already three reviews. And it turns out that me is my friend Kevin. That's weird, I didn't suspect a bloody thing! (koffkoffkoffjosminekoffkoffifkoffkoffyourekoffkoffreadingkoffkoffthiskoffko ffkevinkoffkofflikeskoffkofflyoukoffkoff) Get ready fore more! (wondering what Whitemember's real name is? 


	3. B-R-E-E! Bree!

More, more, more!!!! Hahaha! More glory for me, more laughs for the readers, and the diehards would have checked every day! Muahahaha! And if you really like it, please put it on favourites. The ego bunnies will be very happy! Addicted, I hope you don't mind me using some quotes of that BRILLIANTLY FUNNY story, say what?  
  
**************************************************************************** *********  
  
Frobo Bilburforce was in Hag End, with the Thing in his hand. Gandalf the Gay came back.  
  
"Whoops!" He said. "Forgot something." And walked over to the window. "Get down!" He hissed. And he pulled out Samuelwise Gamgee. "Samuelwise Gamgee, I presume."  
  
"I didn't hear nothin', sir, I ain't been droppin' no eaves, sir, honest, please, Mr. Frobo, don't let him turn me into anythin', unnatural!" He wailed. Out of his pockets dropped several eves.  
  
"AHA! Eavesdropping you were!" He boomed. "With the Invisibility Cloak from Potter, I presume?" Frobo flinched at the name, and went off to take a swim in a pool full of acid.  
  
"No, sir, honest, I haven't, I'm deadly afraid of that little Potter fellow, honest!" He wailed again.  
  
"Don't worry, he's been sent to hell for practicing witchcraft. But there are ways he can return." He said softly . Frobo returned, with deep burns all over him.  
  
"No, Samuelwise." Gandy said. "I've though of a better use for you." He said mischeviously, and next scene they are in the morning, from night, which is just dumb, like in Harry Potter, where Harry sits next to Hermione, and seconds later they are sitting across from each other. Honestly, can't these directors take a hint?  
  
"Be careful, you two. The Enemy has many spies in his service. Birds, beasts. Like this pony, for example. He's a big character in the books, but not in the movie. They suspect something." He said, staring into Bob's eyes. Bob flinched. Lucky Bob.  
  
He leaned down to Frobo, accidentally squashing him. "Never use it. The servants of the Enemy will be drawn to its power." And with that, he rode off on his horse, to Isengard. The horse, by the way, is named Shadowfax, though how a shadow can fax itself is beyond me.  
  
And with an awkward stare from Samuelwise, who looks frighteningly like Ron, which is another reason why JK sucks, because she COPIED EVERYTHING FROM TOLKIEN!  
  
They came to a corn field. "Well, this is it." Sam said.  
  
"This is what?"  
  
"If I don't say my line now, I don't have to look like a complete coward." He whined.  
  
"Just say it." Frobo said.  
  
"No!" Sam yelled.  
  
"Do it!" He yelled, brandishing the Thing.  
  
"Fine. If I take one more step, it'll be the farthest I've ever been from Mummy's reach." He said, looking over behind him, where his mother was being subdued by several illiterate apes. Also known as the people who either review and don't give a name, or give me crappy flames. Ugly they be, and dumb as well. "Bye, mum!" He called, chucking a stone at her, essentially killing her, and running off with Frobo.  
  
Now they were heading along a Farmer's field, where in the book they stay the night, and the farmer helps them along to the Buckleberry Ferry, but that won't do with the movie. No, it has to be all dramatic. How mucked up are you?  
  
So anyway, Merry and Pippin subdue them, give them some veggies, and run off.  
  
"Argh, ya stooped kids!" Called Farmer Haggot.  
  
"I don't see what he's so mad about." Said Pippin. "It was only some mushrooms... and cabbages... and carrots... and peas..., oh, no! I'm like a Senator (CANADIAN), but with food!"  
  
"Yes, Pippin" Said Merry. "My point is, he's clearly overdosed on Reactin!"  
  
"Trust a brandyaddict and a falcon." Sam whined. A large scythe was seen above them, and gave a wild swipe, killing everyone. But, because the Author is kinder than that to end a magnificent story here, and to punish Frobo for his RUDE remark about the Dutch, they all live somehow, and Farmer Maggot gets killed. So along goes the story, where they are hiding under the tree root, and the Black Rider comes up to them.  
  
Actually, its just Anna Nicole Smith wearing black, but lets leave that there. So he's sniffing along, and catches a bad smell. "Whew!" He screeched. "That's turning the ol' right guard left."  
  
So Frobo, not being bright, hopped out and subdued Anna Nicole in conversation.  
  
"So anyways, you asked for a Thing, and I gave you a fake." He said. "So if we could just switch now, that would be very helpful, and we re-enact the scene like in the movie, would also be helpful." He babbled. So they did just that. After the scene was finished, Frobo noticed that this, here in his hand was the real one. He thought that this could be something gone unnoticed. He wondered where to go.  
  
"Samuelwise, where are we to go?" He yelled.  
  
"Not yet, Mr. Frobo. The other Riders, Regis Philbin, the Weakest link host, Alex Trebek and Bob Barker have to attack you in some way. And after that, we get Mike Bullard, David Letterman, Bill Crosby and Pamela Lee after us."  
  
Merry got a serious look on his face. "Buckleberry Ferry. Follow me." He said, and tied the rest of the Habits up, and towed him off to the Ferry, and pushed off. Now, in the book, we go to the Forbidden Forest and meet Tom Bombadil, and there is a Weeping Willow, another reason to show the JK COPIED TOLKIEN by putting in the Whomping Willow. So stupid is she.  
  
"Where to next?" Frobo asked. Sam was looking around.  
  
"Umm..." He said, and saw a bee buzzing around. "B-" He said, and remembered the Rider. "R-" And remembered the most famous quote from Mini- me. "Ee. Bree."  
  
So we head off straight to Bree, where they crowd in front of the door, trying to get away from the Wraiths. Tom Bombadil comes running up, but is ousted by a long pole. Those pole-vaulters have good timing. Lucky.  
  
So this ugly, deformed dude opens a peep-hole, and says. "Habits! Four of 'em! Come in, there's talk of strange folk abroad!" He said. Obviously, his mind had been twisted from being alone.  
  
And so they go into Bree, with tall, evil people inside. And to think there was strange folk abroad! How mucked up are you, Jackson?  
  
So they go to the Prancing Pony, where Barliman Butterbur is. "Good evenin' little masters." He said, even though it was one in the morning. Weird. "If yore seeking accommodations, we've got some nice little hobbit sized rooms for you." He said in a very friendly voice. "Mr..."  
  
"Underhill." He said. "My name's Underhill, not to be confused with that ugly person from Making the Band. We're friends of Gandalf the Gay, can you tell him we've arrived?"  
  
"Gandalf?" He asked. Now, in the book, he was supposed to have a letter received from Gandalf which he was to send to the Shower, but he's very forgetful. By the way, Frobo was also supposed to move to another house. Very confusing. Most of you should know. For the rest: ugh.  
  
"Oh, yes. I've not seen him for six months." He said, and the Habits were concerned. So they went off to eat and get drunk. Butterbur came by with the cheque. Looking at it, he shrieked and screamed, and the Thing found its way to the part of his body where it goes. Weird, aint it?" So after this, every starts staring at him. Even though he's not there. So he looks to his right, and sees the Eye of Sar-on, wreathed in flame. Reaching into his pocket, he pulled out some eye drops and put it on.  
  
"Thanks." Hissed the eye.  
  
"Welcome." Frobo said. And then he remembered to take the Thing off. Everyone started staring at him, as if he had popped out of nowhere. Which he did.  
  
Then, a hooded man, probably high on his pipeweed, came and brought him to an upstairs room.  
  
"Who are you, and what do you want?" Frobo asked.  
  
"A little more caution from you. You carry?"  
  
"I carry nothing." Frobo replied.  
  
"Sure you don't." Striper hissed. "Are you frightened?"  
  
"Yes. But why would you ask that?"  
  
"I know what haunts you, I have seen them." He hissed. He drew his sword as some noises came from the door. The three other hobbits came in with measely weapons. He put his sword away. "You have stout hearts for Habits. But that will not help you now."  
  
He pinched some candles. "Ow! Ow! The pain, it burns!" He bawled. "Mommy! It burns!"  
  
"Wuss." Frobo said.  
  
"Shutup!" Striper called back. He got up. "Now, you guys fall asleep in here, while Anna Nicole and her friends show up and try to kill you."  
  
"All right." Frobo said. And the scene went smoothly. Flash scene into a forest.  
  
"Where are you taking us?"  
  
"Into the wild. Actually, we're supposed to save time now, even though Peter Jackson wastes enough time with close-ups of Frobo's eyes, and shots of him holding the Thing, but it takes a lot longer in the book, so he just wanted to skip the whole thing. Lame-ass." Striper said.  
  
The four Habits were sitting down, preparing some breakfast. "Gentlemen." Striper said. "We do not rest until nightfall."  
  
"But I'm hungry!" Pippin whined. "I want breakfast!"  
  
"You've already had it." Striper said.  
  
"We've had one breakfast, yes. But what about second breakfast?" He whined.  
  
"We eat only three meals a day." Striper said.  
  
"But what about elevenses, he knows about that right?"  
  
"I don't think so, Pip." Merry said.  
  
"What about luncheon? Afternoon tea? Dinner? Supper? He knows about those, doesn't he?"  
  
"I wouldn't count on it." Merry said. Just then, an apple came whipping at him with the speed of a bullet, and knocked him out cold. Another one came along and Pippin caught it.  
  
"Ew!" He exclaimed. "Disease!" He said, stroking one finger with the other. They all left Merry behind. But he regained consciousness, and joined up.  
  
They came to a tall hill with remains of an old building which looked like a crown on it. "This is the old watchtower of Amon Sun. (spelling?) We shall rest here tonight." And walked up and lay down in the dark, deep cold, and fell soundly asleep. They are strange, Rangers. Holding to his name, he left gigantic stripes where he slept.  
  
Our tale leaves the Habits and joins Gandy.  
  
He rides on his horse to Isengard. Whitemember makes his fancy speech. "Fire spews from the mountain of ash, the hour grows late, and Gandalf the Gay rides to Isengard, seeking my council. For that is why you have come, is it not? My old friend.  
  
Gandy bowed low. "Joot de Bries." He said reverently. And so they walked in the garden of Life and Death. Life on the right, Death on the left. Life took the shape of an angel, death a devil. They glared at each other.  
  
"So the Thing of Power is found?" Whitemember asked.  
  
"Beyond any doubt." Gandy said. "All these long years it was in the Shower. Under my very nose, in fact."  
  
"Your love of the habits grows thick." Whitemember said. "And my beard is longer than you beard!"  
  
Gandy pouted at this, just when Harry Potter and his friends came around.  
  
"Hey, who's he?" Harry asked. "He looks more like Dumbeldor. This is very confusing."  
  
Again, Emma had a fangirl swoon and made flirty actions at Whitemember. His eyes went wide with shock. "Kill them!" He shouted.  
  
"Gladly!" Gandalf said. "Well, lets just submit them to Sar-On. More painful that way." He said, and banished them once more.  
  
"I mean to speak to you about Sar-On. Follow me." Whitemember said.  
  
The entered a round room. "The Polenta is a dangerous food, Whitemember." Gandy said. "They are not all accounted for, the lost Seeing Dishes. We should not eat it."  
  
"Why?" Whitemember asked. "Why should we, the Iraqis, fear to eat it?"  
  
"There is still time left, Whitemember." Gandy said.  
  
"What time? The Nine have left Minas Mogul. They crossed the river Isen on Midsummer's Eve. They will find the Thing, and kill the one who carries it."  
  
"Frobo!" Gandy exclaimed, and headed for the door. Whitemember gave it the 'look' and it shut. He did this with all the other doors.  
  
"Did you seriously think a Habit can contend with that thing of Sar-On? There are none who can. It would be wise to join him, friend."  
  
"Tell me, friend." Gandy said, trying to find something that would annoy Whitemember. They aren't too good at insults, either. "When did Joot de Bries, the Wise, abandon treason for sanity?" At this, Whitemember got so enraged, he flopped Gandy on the floor and spun him around like that breakdancing move. Whatever it is.  
  
"You could have assisted my freely. You have elected the way of ..." Now here we go with the Dr. Evil style talking, "pain!" And put his pinky to his lip like Dr. Evil. Next, they have this really cool fight scene, but Whitemember gets the better of him, and sends him flying up like the opposite of Star Wars scenes where people fall down long, fiery chasms. Lucky.  
  
So Whitemember scours the trees, with the help of Sar-On's servants, Olsen Twin Clones. He has now crossed them with fitness freaks and created... Richard Simmons! (Dun Dun Dun!)  
  
Tune in next time. Will the Habits and Striper make it to Rivendell, or will the mindless, stupid tv stars get in the way. And will Gandy escape? Who knows... Well, I do. I mean, I'm writing the book, so it fits that I might know before you? 


	4. Flight to the Dodge

Me again!!! Thanks all reviewers!!! Those ego-bunnies are romping all over the keyboard. Umm, a little help?  
  
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The four Habits were in a circle, the delusional gameshow hosts surrounding them. Sam got knocked away, then Merry and Pippin. Frobo tripped (again?) and put on the Thing, to see the Wraiths for their true form. Shrieking and screaming, he pulled the Thing off, and the Witch-King stabbed him.  
  
Then he saw Striper come on, and beat all the Wraiths away. Then Sam got very indignant with him.  
  
"Why didn't you save him?"  
  
"I can only please one person per day. Today is not his day. Tomorrow doesn't look too good either. Today it was... wait never mind. We need to get to Rivendell."  
  
"But we're six days from Rivendell!"  
  
"Only if we travel like a bunch of turtles stampeding through peanut butter. Do you know the athelas plant?"  
  
"No."  
  
"Kingsfoil."  
  
"Ah, that's a weed."  
  
"It may help to mask the pain. Here, take this." He said, handing him a torch. Sam went about, and accidentally set the whole forest on fire.  
  
"Ah!" He said. "Here's some." And started to go back. Striper was dealing with the other Habits.  
  
"What's happening.?"  
  
"He's passing into Shadow."  
  
"Why?"  
  
"He was stabbed by a More and Less Door blade."  
  
"What's that?"  
  
"Geez, where's that flaming stick? Oh, I'll get some myself." And he went off, and got out his dagger, and was about to get some, when a blade came to his throat.  
  
"What's this, a Ranger caught off his guard?" Came the voice.  
  
"Nope." Aracorn said, and beheaded Arwen.  
  
"Oh, sorry, sorry!" He said, and healed her. "What the hell are you doing here? I was expecting Glorfindel."  
  
"He is... indisposed." She said, snickering. Aracorn heard a series of muffled cries from a garbage can. He went over and opened it.  
  
"Glorfindel?"  
  
"Yeah, it's me. Arwen wanted to get some more, but I got in her way, so she disposed of me. Literally."  
  
Arwen, in her glowing state, walked over to Frodo. Light shone from her.  
  
"Oil of Olay daily moisturizing bar. For brighter, more radiant skin." She said in an out of body voice. "Come to the liiiiiiiiight, Frobo." She said. Frobo walked right into her.  
  
"Hey!" Aracorn called. "That's my chick!" And Frobo backed away.  
  
"A little help, maybe?"  
  
"Oh, right." Aracorn said. He rolled the leaves of the athelas plant, into tiny joints, and lit the end. "Here. Smoke this." Frobo inhaled and ended up in a mental euphoria that's... just great  
  
"We must get him to my father." Arwen said.  
  
"Oh, come on. He already talked to me about the you-know-what, I don't want to hear it again." Aracorn said.  
  
"I meant for his wound."  
  
"Oh, right." So she put him on his horse. Glorfindel was complaining about this, but he was quickly done away with.  
  
"Noro lim, Asfaloth, noro lim!" (ride on, ride on!)  
  
"Hey, I thought you only used that one on me!" Aracorn said.  
  
So Arwen is riding the horse, who is closely followed by Glorfindel, and THEN the wraiths. The wraiths de-horse Glorfindel, and he is trampled by them.  
  
"Ow! Spine! Jugular! Neck! Delicates! Skull! Brain! Cartilage! Heart tissue! Pancreas! Stomach! Nads! Dainties! Silkies! Unmentionables! EEEK! MY ROBES!" He cried.  
  
But everyone ignored him, and kept on chasing.  
  
"Noro lim, Asfaloth, noro lim!" Arwen chanted.  
  
Then, they reached the Dodge of the Baranduin River. Then Arwen chanted fancy words, which we only WISH we knew, and the water level rose, and then rapids came down and swept the horses away.  
  
"No, Frobo, no!" Arwen cried, as Frobo slept out of consciousness, even though it was only about five minutes since he was stabbed. That's weird.  
  
And so, we reach a point where everything is light. Frobo awakens in the House of Elrond, and we have a happy rendezvous with Merry and Pip, but why Frobo is happy to see them, when he never missed them, is beyond me. Then he sees Wilbo sitting on a bench, way too tall for him.  
  
"I can live freely now, the Thing is gone." He sang, until he saw Frobo. "Whoops! Did I just say that?"  
  
We now see Gandalf and Elrond on a different balcony.  
  
"It's a burden he should have never had to bear." Gandalf said.  
  
"Gandalf." Elrond said. "My forehead is getting larger by the minute. My people are leaving these shores."  
  
"So?"  
  
"Oh, yes. Who will you leave the trust of Middle Earth to?"  
  
"In the hearts of Men is where we must place our trust."  
  
"Men." Elrond spat. "Men are weak. Scattered. Divided. Leaderless. And George W. Bush is simply APPALLING! Canada lets all the planes in, and all he can say is 'destinations outside the United States.' How mucked up is he?"  
  
"There is one who could unite them."  
  
"Like I care about him. He's putting the moves on my daughter. Fool."  
  
We now go to the mushy-gushy scene of Arwen and Striper.  
  
"Do you remember when we first met?"  
  
"I thought I had strayed into a Schizophrenic illusion."  
  
"Do you remember what I told you?"  
  
"You said you would bind yourself to me. Forsaking the immortal life of your people."  
  
"And to that I hold." She said, while handing him a necklace.  
  
"You cannot give this to me."  
  
"It is mine to give to whom I will. Like my fart." She said. "Wait, no. Something was wrong about that... Anyway, I choose immortal life. I mean a mortal life."  
  
So they start kissing, and then they end up rolling and rolling in the mud, while Frobo walks by.  
  
"coffeecoffeecoffeecoffeecoffeecoffeecoffeecoffeecoffeecoffeecoffeecoffeecof feecoffeeIneedmorecoffeecoffeecoffeecoffeecoffeecoffeecoffeecoffeecoffeecoff eecoffee coffeecoffeecoffee."  
  
We now flash to the deleted scene of the 'Council of Elrond.'  
  
Elrond: Hello, my name is Elrond, and I have a really large forehead.  
  
Gimbli: Hello, my name is Gimbli, and everyone mixes up my father's name with my grandfathers, and I keep thinking Balin is my cousin.  
  
Gloin: Hello, my name is Gloin and my father has an embarrassing name.  
  
Groin: Hello, my name is Groin (snickers) and I have an embarrassing name.  
  
Gloin: Dad! I thought you were dead!  
  
Groin: No dwarf dies while his name is made fun of.  
  
Legoflamb: Hello, my name is Legoflamb, and my name is after Galadriel and Arwen in the credits. I also have less than five-  
  
We now flash to the real scene of the council of Elrond.  
  
"Strangers from distant lands, you are here to behold my mighty eyebrows!" A gasp arose from the audience. "And to answer the threat of More and Less Door.  
  
"Can we skip the eyebrow part?" Borrowedmirror asked.  
  
"No."  
  
"Aww!"  
  
"Hold on, just a minute..." Elrond said. "...now! Bring forth the Thing, Frobo.  
  
Frobo brought forth the Thing. Nothing happened. Why?  
  
"It is a gift." Borrowedmirror said. "A gift to the foes of More and Less Door. Let us use it against Sar-On."  
  
"We cannot weild it." Striper said. "None of us can. The One Thing answers to Sar-On alone."  
  
Borrowedmirror tried to insult Striper once more. Men aren't so good at insults. "And what would a Stranger know of this matter?"  
  
Legoflamb hopped up. "He is no mere Stranger. He is Aracorn. Son of Arashorn. And heir to the throne of Here and Gone Door."  
  
"Aracorn." Borrowedmirror said. "Here and Gone Door has no king. Here and Gone Door need no king. They need me. ME!!! ALL ME, NO ONE ELSE, I SHALL RULE ALL!"  
  
"We have no choice." Elrond said. "We must destroy it."  
  
"Let's not and say we did." Borrowedmirror said.  
  
"Hm..." Elrond mused. "That seems so perfect, and yet so wrong. Something's not right about that... Um... Man, you're brilliant!"  
  
"Thanks."  
  
"But..." Aracorn stammered. "What if Sar-On takes back what is his?"  
  
"Who cares? He thinks it's gone, remember?"  
  
"Oh, yeah. Well, it's settled then. The Thing must be lied about."  
  
"Hold up." Elrond said. "Says here we are bound to destroy it. I mean, Sar-On COULD find it someday, couldn't he?"  
  
"Damn. And it was such a good plan, too." Borrowedmirror said. "But who to take it?"  
  
"I will be dead before I see the Thing in the hands of an elf!" Gimli declared.  
  
"Hmm?" Legoflamb said lazily. He was sleeping. "When did I want to take it?"  
  
"Sorry." Gimli said. Everyone burst into argument.  
  
"I will take it." Frobo said quietly, and everyone looked down, waaaaaaaaayyyyyyy down at him skeptically.  
  
"I will take the Thing to More and Less Door. But I do not know the way."  
  
"Get a map, then." Elrond said.  
  
"I will help you bear this burden. As long as it is yours to bear." Gandalf said. Then he glared at Borrowedmirror.  
  
"You have my sword." Aracorn said. Gandalf winked at Elrond, who secretly winked at Legoflamb.  
  
"Do I have to?" he whined.  
  
"Yes."  
  
"Fine. You have my bow."  
  
"And my axe!" Gimli said.  
  
"You carry the fate of us all, little one. But if this truly is the will of the council, the Here and Gone Door will see it done." He said, and summoned a pair of binoculars. "Now I can see it from Minor Tilith!"  
  
"Borrowedmirror." Elrond said.  
  
"Yes?"  
  
"Generally, it implies that you would go WITH them."  
  
"Fine. I'll go with you."  
  
"OI!" Samuelwise called. "Mr. Frobo's not going anywhere without me."  
  
A lady elf walked in then. "Brutha, you are oppressed! You don't need to be slave to that short scum!"  
  
"Hey!" Frobo called. "I'm not THAT short. And Sam's more of a... friend."  
  
"Yes..." Sam said. Then the elf glared at him "...My sister."  
  
"OI!" Came two OTHER voices from the bushes. "We're coming, too!"  
  
"Nine companions." Elrond said dramatically. "So be it. You shall be known as the Enforced Buddyship Thingy of the Thing!" And made a very dramatic gaze upwards.  
  
"So where are we going?" Pippin asked.  
  
"Silence!" Elrond roared. "You just ruined the moment!" **************************************************************************** ***  
  
So, there you have it! The Enforced Buddyship Thingy of the Thing. Not that it's finished, though. No, no. For there would come a time when Authors would decide the fortunes of them all! 


	5. The Banana Song and more!

I've switched over to the 'other' style of writing. You'll see. You know, since I posted chapter 4, there's only been 1 review! One! And I can't see it because fanfiction.net has been mucked up! Oh, well, I thought we should always keep writing despite reviews, but without them, it just sucks!  
  
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We now join the Buddyship of the Thing Musical deleted scene of Sar-on's singing in Barad-dur.  
  
Sar-On: Come, Mr. Buddyship, give me back my thiiing.  
  
Olsen Twins: Hey, Gimbli, we have bombed your home.  
  
Sar-on: Come, Mr. Buddyship, give me back my thiing.  
  
Olsen twins: Hey, Gimbli we have bombed your home. One thing, Two thing, Three thing more! Hey, Gimbli, we have bombed your home. Six thing, Seven thing, Eight thing more! Hey, Gimbli, we have bombed your home.  
  
Sam: Come, Mr. Frobo, sir, give me back my freedom.  
  
Fellowship: Hey, Frobo, let Sam go free.  
  
Sam: Come, Mr. Frobo, sir, give me back my freedom.  
  
Buddyship: Hey, Frobo let same go free. One Free Two Free Three Free more! Hey, Frodo let Sam go free. Six Free Seven Free Eight Free more! Hey, Frodo let Sam go free.  
  
Merry and Pippin: Come on, Mr. Gandalf, sir, give us back our mushrooms.  
  
Gandalf: No, you habits have eaten too much.  
  
Merry and Pippin: Come on, Mr. Gandalf, sir, give us back our mushrooms.  
  
Gandalf: No, you habits have eaten too much. One Mushroom, Two Mushroom, Three Mushroom more! No, you habits have eaten too much. Six mushroom, seven mushroom eight mushroom more! No, you habits have eaten too much.  
  
Gimbli: Hey, there, Legoflamb! Where'd you get your hair done?  
  
Legoflamb: Hey, Gimbli, your beard really sucks.  
  
Gimbli: Hey, there, Legoflamb! Where'd you get your hair done?  
  
Legoflamb: Hey, Gimbli, your beard really sucks. One beard two beard three beard more! Hey, Gimbli, your beard really sucks! Six beard seven beard eight beard more! Hey, Gimbli you hair really sucks.  
  
Aracorn: Hey, there! Borrowedmirror! Give the Thing to Frobo.  
  
Borrowedmirror: No, Aracorn the Thing is mine.  
  
Aracorn: Hey, there! Borrowedmirror! Give the Thing to Frobo.  
  
Borrowedmirror: No, Aracorn the Thing is mine. One Thing two thing three thing more! No, Aracorn the Thing is mine. Six thing seven thing eight thing more! No, Aracorn the Thing is mine.  
  
All people who hate this song: No frobo/sam/legoflamb/gimli/gandalf/merry/pippin you've sung too much!  
  
Pippin: Yeah, they're right, we've sung too much.  
  
Frobo: Yes, I agree.  
  
Gandalf: We must hold this path west until we reach the Misty Mountains.  
  
Aracorn: Hey, aren't those the ones right there?  
  
Gandalf: I think so. But... wait, no, he's right. Caradhras is on the Misty Mountains. Not on the side of Isengard. Anyway, we must turn south to the Gap of Rohan, and then our road turns east, to More and Less Door.  
  
Gimbli: If you want my opinion, which matters not, I'd say we were taking the long way there. Gandalf. We could pass through the mines of Diarrhea.  
  
Gandalf: No, Gimbly. I would not go through there unless I absolutely had to.  
  
Legoflamb: *sees birds coming* What's that?  
  
Gimbly: Nothing, it's just a wisp of cloud.  
  
Aracorn: It's moving fast, against the wind.  
  
Gandalf: No, duh!  
  
Borrowedmirror: *girlish scream* AAAAAAHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!! RUUUUUNNN!!!!!!!! HIIIIIIIDDEEE!!!!  
  
All: *run and wait*  
  
Aracorn: *pops out* we cannot take this way.  
  
Gandalf: We must pass through Caradhras. *looks upward*  
  
Legoflamb: Hey, how'd that get there?  
  
(passing through Caradhras in bad weather)  
  
Gandalf: good. Noone will see us here.  
  
Legoflamb: Yeah, especially since silhouettes in a blizzard are SO noticeable. *sarcasm*  
  
(Giant snow falls)  
  
Aracorn: He's trying to bring down the mountain!  
  
Gandalf: No, duh!  
  
Legoflamb: *hears voice* There's a fell voice upon the air!  
  
Gandalf: *mutters to himself* I told those Ricola guys NOT to practice out here, but no, they just can't listen.  
  
Borrowedmirror: We should not have come here! Let us take to Gap of Rohan down to my city!  
  
Gimbli: Gandalf! If we cannot pass over a mountain, or beside it, or through it, let us go under it!  
  
Gandalf: Let the ringbearer decide.  
  
Frobo: *is seen taking bribe from Gimbli* We shall go through the mines!  
  
(travels to the mines)  
  
Aracorn: Hey, that was quick!  
  
Sam: *cries about Bob*  
  
Aracorn: The mines are no place for a pony. Even one so hidden and covered up as this.  
  
Sam: Bubbye Bob.  
  
Pippin: *throws rocks into water*  
  
Aracorn: *grabs Pippins arm* Do not disturb the water.  
  
Pippin: Who made YOU hall monitor?  
  
Gandalf: It reads Enter Balin, Lord of Diarrhea. Speak friend and enter. *speaks fancy words. Fails. Goes on for a long time*  
  
Frobo: I'm starting to wonder if he's really a friend. Hey, wait a minute! Friend! That's it!  
  
Gandalf: Melloc!  
  
Doors: *a la Shrek* Welcome to Diarrhea! Such a perfect town. Here we have some rules, let us lay them down. Please don't walk on the grass, wipe you're a**. Diarhhea is perfect pllaaaaaaaaaaaace!  
  
Harry Potter: *walks on* *spits* doesn't beat the Hogwarts song! *Hermione and Ron come in* Shall we sing it?  
  
All: Yeah! *to the tune of New York, New York* Hogwarts! Hogwarts! What a hell of a place! You talk to Malfoy, you get punched in the face! Snape's a cruel b*tch and McGonagalls gay! Hogwarts Hogwarts!  
  
Bart Simpson and Millhouse: Springfield, Springfield!  
  
Buddyship: Springfield is thataway!  
  
BS (tee hee!) and M: Thanks, kids!  
  
Buddyship: Did they just call us kids?  
  
H, H and R: *sings like a cat being swung on tail, or your average bagpiper*  
  
Buddyship: *plugs ears* EEEK!  
  
Legoflamb: *notches three arrows to bow* I was gonna save these for olsen twins, but this is a needy cause as well. *shoots the HP gang*  
  
Buddyship: THANK YOU!!!  
  
Legoflamb: It was nothing.  
  
All: *enter mines*  
  
Borrowedmirror: This isn't a mine! It's a tomb!  
  
Pippin: So what do we do now?  
  
Borrowedmirror: You guys ever been initiated?  
  
Habits: Ummm... no?  
  
Borrowedmirror: Well, back home we have to sleep in the Closed Doors. I think I can arrange something similar.  
  
Legoflamb: *takes out arrow* goblins!  
  
So will the Fellowship survive Diarrhea? Or will HP and the gang come along to ruin their fun? Find out in the next thrilling installment of... THE BUDDYSHIP OF THE THING!  
  
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So what did you all think of the song(s)? Mee, hee. You guys didn't review chapter 4! WAAAAAA!!!!!!!!! MOMMY! Ok, later! 


	6. The Bridge of Kazalaboom

You know what? I'm gonna watch that new Chamber of Secrets movie... solely to bash it later on. Yeah, watch out! WB is gonna be sorry they ever had anything to do with HP after I'm done with them. Mua ha ha ha ha! Oh, and this is the chapter where I insult myself, just to show how much I hate Harry Potter.  
  
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The Buddyship was in the mine entrance. The place was a tomb. Gimbli was crying like a girl.  
  
Borrowedmirror: We should not have come here. Let us get out of here. We'll take the Gap of Rohan.  
  
Gandalf: You know, you could have just said 'run', then the giant sea creature behind us wouldn't have shut the gates.  
  
Borrowedmirror: You just have to ruin every single line, don't you?  
  
Gandalf: It is a four day journey through the mines. Let us hope that our presence may go unnoticed.  
  
Legoflamb: Yeah, especially since light like this is SO noticeable in this dark mine.*sarcasm*  
  
The buddyship traveled on. They reached a fork in the path.  
  
Gandalf: I have no memory of this place.  
  
Frobo: Who wants to bet he forgot to take his pills?  
  
Buddyship minus Gandalf: Me!  
  
Frobo sees gollum climbing along, humming the Bell Canada theme.  
  
Gollum: *come on, bear with me here* mm bom bom! Mm bom bom! Mm bom bom! Bom bom bom  
  
Frobo: Oh, no, now that's caught in my head!  
  
Gandalf: Ah, it's this way.  
  
Sam: He's remembered to take his pills!  
  
Gandalf: No, the air down here is fresher. If in doubt, always follow your nose.  
  
Tucan Sam: Hey, that's my line! Get your own!  
  
Gandalf: *blasts him away with his staff* You know, I never really did like him.  
  
The buddyship walks down into a giant hall, but where the entrance is from there, I do not know.  
  
Gandalf: Behold the halls of Khazad-Dum.  
  
Samfast, son of Hamwise: There's an eye opener and no mistake.  
  
Sam never did realize the mistake. Gimli ran over to a smaller room, which I don't know how he managed to find. Gimli started crying.  
  
Gandalf: Here lies Balin, son of Fundin.  
  
Gimli: Ooh, my poor, poor cousin.  
  
Gandalf: Gimli, he was your uncle.  
  
Gimli: Oh, who cares? He's dead!  
  
Buddyship minus Gimli: Good riddance!  
  
Merry walked over to a skeleton and twisted its hand. The skeleton shrieked in pain and fell down the well.  
  
Gandalf: Fool of a Falcon! Next time chuck yourself in and rid us of your stupidity!  
  
Rest of Buddyship: Can we help?  
  
Drums are head. Borrowedmirror goes to the door, and an arrow lands next to his head.  
  
Borrowedmirror: They have a cave troll.  
  
Legolas, Aragorn and Borrowedmirror try to barrier the door. Gimli gets into a rage. The habits are forced to stay near Gandalf.  
  
Pippin: You know, I have a strange feeling he's not going to protect us very well.  
  
Merry: Yeah, I feel that too.  
  
Sam: *gets out frying pan and whacks Gandalf* Well, now he can't hurt us, you know?  
  
Other habits: Yeah.  
  
Orcs stampeded the door, Legolas loosed an arrow and killed one. The other orcs ate up its body which only made them stronger.  
  
Legolas: Damn!  
  
The orcs come in, and everyone starts killing! Then the cave troll came in, and all the orcs ran in fear.  
  
Harry Potter: Ron! Help!  
  
Ron: Wingardium Leviosa!  
  
Legoflamb: What are you kids doing in here? This aint no picnic!  
  
Harry: ooh! A sword!  
  
Aracorn: Get your own!  
  
Ron: Ooh, a frying pan!  
  
Sam: *scared* is there a reason why he's short and has red hair like me?  
  
Aracorn: I think so.  
  
Sam: *hits Ron over the head with frying pan* I think I'm getting the hang o' this!  
  
Ron: *gets knocked out*  
  
Legoflamb: I thought I killed you guys back at the doors!  
  
Harry: *in deep, very fake spoken voice a la chamber of secrets* Don't worry, I will be.  
  
Legoflamb: Hey, stop stealing the girls!  
  
Harry: Oh yeah? Just watch me! *talks in deep, fake voice* Hermione! I'll save you!  
  
Legoflamb: *puts head inside hands and mutters* He'll just never learn, will he? He just won't!  
  
Aracorn: Is there a reason why those kids can beat a troll so easily and we fight with our lives?  
  
Legoflamb: Yeah. JK Rowling is a cheap bitch.  
  
Harry: Hey! She's not cheap! She charged me fifty bucks a minute!  
  
Legoflamb: Woah. He actually needed a prostitute to get laid? I could smile at a girl and then wake up in bed the next morning with her.  
  
Gimbli: Man, those elves have a gift. Stupid elves!  
  
Legoflamb: And Gimbli, don't get me started about your desperation.  
  
Gimbli: Yes, sir.  
  
Borrowedmirror: Man, those kids are ugly! Look at Harry!  
  
All: *laugh*  
  
Harry: *hopping up and down, trying to get his wizard hat back from the troll* Hey! Mommy! He won't give the hat back!  
  
Buddyship: Isn't his mom dead?  
  
Ecnarf: yeah, but soon enough I'll have him killed off. But not before I break his heart! *laughs maniacly.*  
  
WARNING! THIS IS WHERE I GIVE AWAY THE PLOT TO MY OTHER BOOK! PLEASE SKIP THIS PART IF YOU DON'T WANT TO KNOW WHAT HAPPENS  
  
Harry: NOO!!! NOT RENEE!!! PLEASE!!! DON'T KILL HER!!!  
  
Author: Sorry, kid. It's my job to make you all sad.  
  
Buddyship: Who's Renee?  
  
Ecnarf: A figment of my imagination. I'm starting to regret making that guy witty, smart, and handsome. In other words, me. Man, I'm starting to get jealous of a book!  
  
Legoflamb: Umm, can I have a meeting with this 'Renee' as you call her?  
  
Ecnarf: Sure! Hey, the more the merrier! I mean, since Malfoy's about to get her, I don't see why not! Anything for a friend!  
  
OK, YOU CAN READ IT NOW!!!  
  
Legoflamb: Thanks!  
  
Ecnarf: Ok, here's her phone number address and city.  
  
Legoflamb: France? That sounds a lot like your name.  
  
Ecnarf: It is, idiot.  
  
Legoflamb: Oh, I see. Let me see, what knickname can I get? Moria, airom. Gondor, rodnog. Rohan, nahor. Shire, erihs. Arnor, ronra.  
  
Legoflamb: So she's French?  
  
Ecnarf: Yes. Would you mind showing how it's done to HP and his friends, and then kill them?  
  
Legoflamb: Sure! *shoots goblins, and the rest of the Buddyship joins in legoflamb thus kils the HP gang*  
  
Frobo: *gets hit with the spear*  
  
Sam: NOOOOOOO!!!!!!  
  
Frobo: I'm allright.  
  
Aracorn: That spear would have skewered a wild boar. Or even a human. Look!  
  
Gimbli: *is roasting wild boar* Hey, I promised ripe meat off the bone, you'll get ripe meat off the bone.  
  
Buddyship: *gets out dinnerware*  
  
Harry: *is still trying to get hat away from the troll*  
  
Aracorn: KEEP AWAY FROM HARRY!!!  
  
Troll: *tosses hat to Aracorn*  
  
Harry: *runs to Aracorn* Give it here!  
  
Aracorn: A little tall for you, short man? *tosses to legoflamb*  
  
Legoflamb: *holds hand out, Harry still can't reach it* You know, it's just not what it used to be. *tosses hat to Frobo*  
  
Frobo: *holds hat above Harry* he really is short! *tosses to Gimbli*  
  
Gimbli: No Dwarf is exceeded by a coward! *beheads Harry* What do you know? He's got no spine! *beheads Hermione* She's got no brain!  
  
Sam: You know, I don't think we've got to kill the troll now. What's your name?  
  
Troll: Uh, Cliff. I just had to get back at these guys for having me beaten so easily.  
  
Aracorn: And we had to get them for copying us.  
  
Troll: You know, I think I'll get those orcs to stay away. You guys had better hurry on.  
  
Legoflamb: Hey, ecnarf! What about that deal?  
  
Ecnarf: Oh, yeah. But on one condition.  
  
Legoflamb: What?  
  
Ecnarf: You turn my 'flamer' talentless from my other book into a human pincushion!  
  
Legoflamb: Gladly! *shoots that little bitch who thinks that they are better than me, but they are not, and get the impression that I think I'm the best, but I don't think that, because Brian Jacques and Tolkien are still way better* there!  
  
Ecnarf: Allright, Renee, come on out.  
  
Renee: You know, I have feelings too!  
  
Ecnarf: No you don't, you're just a figment of my imagination.  
  
Renee: But still, why are you so cruel?  
  
Ecnarf: That's my job. *a la bond*  
  
Renee: *sees legoflamb* whoo! *fangirl swoon*  
  
Legoflamb: *smiles*  
  
Gimbli: Meat anyone?  
  
Buddyship minus legoflamb, ecnarf and troll: Sure!  
  
Ecnarf: It's not quite how my grandmother makes it, but oh well. I haven't eaten in a while.  
  
Gimbli: Can anyone explain why he's in here?  
  
Ecnarf: Oh damn! I better keep on writing! *runs away*  
  
Pippin: Anyone got any mushrooms for on this? Tomatoes?  
  
All: NO!  
  
Gandalf: *burps* to the bridge of Kazalaboom!  
  
Legoflamb: *comes back with silly grin on face, and piece of paper with random numbers on it* I'm with ya!  
  
Gandalf: Ok, weird.  
  
All: *runs to bridge*  
  
Olsen Twins: *surround them, singing their annoying songs*  
  
Buddyship: EEK! *plugs ears*  
  
Olsen Twins: *do their stupid dances*  
  
Buddyship: EEK! *shuts eyes*  
  
Cliff, the troll: GO AWAY, DON'T BOTHER THEM!!!  
  
Olsen Twins: AWW! *scamper away*  
  
Cliff: *sees Baldrock* uh, oh, that must have pissed off the Baldrock, RUN!  
  
Buddyship: *runs*  
  
Borrowedmirror: *almost falls over edge*  
  
Legoflamb: *pushes him rest of the way*  
  
Borrowedmirror: *comes back, just because*  
  
Buddyship: *runs faster downs stairs*  
  
Gandalf: Run, the bridge is near! *points to bridge&*  
  
Legoflamb: Umm, is there a particular reason why we keep on going down, and yet the bridge is level with us?  
  
Gandalf: No.  
  
All: *go to bridge*  
  
Gandalf: *stops* *sees Baldrock* OH, GOD NO!!! IT'S THE COLLECTIVE FORM OF ALL THE FLAMERS!!! GAH THEY'RE UGLY!!!  
  
Gandalf: *gets serious now* YOU SHALL NOT PASS!!!  
  
Baldrock: Watch me! *tries to walk, but falls down* aaaah! *takes Gandalf down with him* tee, hee! Tell me what to do, old man!  
  
Gandalf: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!! *draws in breath* AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!  
  
Frobo: NOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!! GAAAAANNNNNNDDDDDDAAAAAAALFFFFF!!!!  
  
Legoflamb: Is there a particular reason why we say everything in flames, now?  
  
Gandalf: NOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!*draws in breath* OOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!  
  
All: *Runs along, and gets outside* *cries*  
  
This is where we leave the Buddyship, and wait for another exciting adventure of... THE ENFORCED BUDDYSHIP THINGY OF THE THING!!!  
  
**************************************************************************** ********  
  
If you couldn't tell, yes, this person is flaming my other story. I'm starting to think she's JK Rowling or something. I don't get it, she's always calling me 'dear, dear ecnarf'. Honestly, is she hitting on me? What if it's a he? Oh, God, no!  
  
Anyways, I hoped you like this new, exciting and painful death of Harry Potter. I'll try to make him and his cronies die every chapter. Just for fun, you know? And we'll have some surprise visits, MAYBE, by my original characters. They are not necessarily friends, but Renee here is purely fictional. And maybe other HP characters will have their turn to die.  
  
Harry: Do you expect me to live?  
  
Sar-On: No, Mr. Potty, I expect you to die! 


	7. I wanna bomb Osama!

This just in! Harry Potter will not die today.  
  
All Readers: aaaaaaawwwwwwwwwwwwwww! *now gets pissed* wwwwwwwwwwwwwwwww!!!!!!!!!!!!!!  
  
However, Osama Bin Laden will!  
  
All readers and George Bush: YYYYAAAAAAAAAAAAYYYYYYY!!!!!!!!!!  
  
**************************************************************************** ***  
  
The Buddyship were in a gloomy mood. Actually, I'm just making Frobo pay for hating the Dutch.  
  
Frobo: Fine. To prove it to you, I'll go to one of your family barbeques that I was only joking!  
  
Stupid Frobo! He wouldn't last one minute in a pile of guys who reach 6'5!  
  
Frobo: I wanna be tall!  
  
Shutup you! Anyway, they were walking along a grassy, green field when they saw a bunch of guys in turbans, and a bunch of obviously more intelligent monkeys.  
  
Osama: Hey, Mullah! Get a load of this months Play Burqa! Whoo! *points to picture of a burqa that has mesh holes 1 ½ mm apart, instead of .1*  
  
Mullah Mohammed Omar (the taliban leader): *gasp* The word booty is forbidden in Afghanistan! I must shove a forking stick up your ass! *shoves forking stick up Osama's ass*  
  
Osama: OW! I'm beginning to regret hiding out in Middle Earth. We're running low on American peanut butter.  
  
Mullah: And those elvish people don't seem to like us to well.  
  
Monkey: *enthusiastically* ooo! Ooo!  
  
Teacher: No, scooter, it's not time for gym class yet.  
  
Monkey: *disappointed* ooo.  
  
Teacher: For now, resume with your rocking and chanting class.  
  
Students, and monkeys: Ooooosamasamasamasamasama. Ooooooosamasamasamasama.  
  
Teacher: Now, refrain two.  
  
Students and monkeys: Buuuuussh sucks sucks sucks sucks sucks. Muuuust kill ourselvesselvesselves.  
  
Teacher: Take five and then we'll resume whacking dummies of Bush with our forking sticks.  
  
Students and monkeys: Yay!  
  
Scooter: Hey, chub chub! What do you want to be when you blow up?  
  
Chub Chub: I don't know.  
  
Teacher: Time to come back in, class!  
  
Scooter: But that wasn't five minutes!  
  
Teacher: Hey, Mullah Mohammed Omar has forbidden accurate clocks. Now start whacking!  
  
Students and monkeys: *whacks dummy labeled akje because Taliban has forbidden good spelling*  
  
Teacher: Come on, you scum! Whack harder!  
  
Mullah: I think you're going a little hard on them.  
  
Teacher: Shut up!  
  
Mullah: *gasp* such words are forbidden! I must shove a Tomahawk cruise missile up your ass now!  
  
Teacher: Yeah, right. The Americans stopped looking for us a LONG time ago.  
  
Mullah and Osama: Darn.  
  
Buddyship: *doesn't know who they are* Who are you?  
  
Osama: Your worst nightmare.  
  
Sam: Actually, I've had worse nightmares than you. It brings back memories, actually... *starts rambling*  
  
Legoflamb: Who are these Americans?  
  
Osama: Stupid, ugly greedy people.  
  
Legoflamb: Hey, Gimbli, sounds like you!  
  
Gimbli: Do not! I live in Manitoba. There is even a town named after me!  
  
All minus Gimbli: Manitoba! In Canada?  
  
George Bush: Canada? What the hell is that? Some kind of food?  
  
Gimbli: No, a country!  
  
Dubya: I didn't know of a country called Canada. Must be some third world country with terrorists! Let's bomb it!  
  
Vice President Dick Cheney: Big time!  
  
Dubya: Get me my war kit! *long silence* hello?  
  
Cheney: I quit!  
  
Dubya: *gets his own war kit, including pretzels, water and a giant cowboy hat* Yee haw! Let's get this war started! *takes sip of water* *chokes* Dang, I should always remember to chew my water before I drink it!  
  
Old Lady Bush: George! What did I tell you about chewing your water?  
  
Dubya: Twenty two chews to a swallow?  
  
OLB: Yes! Now if you can't follow that, then you can't be trusted with mashed potatoes!  
  
Dubya: No, ma! I want ma mashed potatoes. *with a forrest gump accent*  
  
Legoflamb: Gimbli, you sure he's not your twin?  
  
Aracorn: Can we kill them yet?  
  
Merry: No, I want to get Mullah's forking stick. *goes and gets it* you know, that was too easy!  
  
Canada's PM Tim Horton: 'Ey, George! I just found out, we 'ave a Free Trade Agreement!  
  
Dubya: *girlish scream* AAAAAAAHHHHHHH A TERRORIST! GET HIM!!!  
  
Fighter Pilot: I see bullets! I'm gonna drop a bomb on 'em! *drops bomb*  
  
ATT (air traffic controller): Stop! Those are friendlies!  
  
Pilot: Oh, well. It's not like they can do anything to me, right? *long silence* Right?  
  
Canadian people: It was him! Let's get him! *mobs in*  
  
Dubya: Well, that was random. Hey, it's Bin Laden! *starts singing, to the tune of 'la bamba* I wanna bomb Osama! I wanna bomb Osama! Shove a Tomahawk up his ass! You better run faster. You goat humping bastard!  
  
Legoflamb: You hump goats?  
  
Goat: It was strictly platonic.  
  
Gimbli: I'm starting to think this Osama guy is wanted by the Americans, whoever they are.  
  
Legoflamb: Hey, these days, who isn't? (I put that in reference to a muslim man who was sitting in a bug infested cell in the US for NO DAMN REASON!!!) Even I could be! *gets scared*  
  
Gimbli: Yeah, for being too attractive!  
  
Legoflamb: *shaves off Gimbli's beard* Take that!  
  
Gimbli: Nooo! Not the beard!!!  
  
Dubya: *takes cork gun and shoots Osama* Where's the cream filling?  
  
Osama; *struggles* must... die... in... comic... book... guy... death... position... best... death... ever!  
  
Buddyship: *kills dubya with their own weapons, as follows*  
  
Sam: The ancient art of frying pan.  
  
Frobo: by using Stinge.  
  
Merry and Pippin: Toxic mushrooms.  
  
Legoflamb: Two words: Giant arrows.  
  
Borrowedmirror: A spork.  
  
Aracorn: by looking at him the wrong way.  
  
Gimbli: By just looking at him.  
  
Buddyship: Ok, onwards! *narrowly misses bomb dropping behind them, killing everyone*  
  
Aracorn: We must reach the woods of lothie... lorie... wait, I can say this... *slowly* lothlorien. Ok, better!  
  
Borrowedmirror: *mutters to himself* and they call him the King of Here and Gone Door?  
  
Aracorn: I heard that!  
  
Borrowedmirror: No you didn't! *glares at him*  
  
Aracorn: Ok, ok I didn't!  
  
Borrowedmirror: *under his breath* wimp.  
  
Aracorn: I heard that too!  
  
Borrowedmirror: You know, I'm really getting tired of you.  
  
But by that time, they had entered Lothlorien, and Gimbli was getting very cautios...  
  
Gimbli: Stay close young hobbits.  
  
Hobbits: *gather close* *realize he stinks pretty bad, and move away*  
  
Gimbli: They say a great sorceress lives in these woods.  
  
Frobo: Who says that?  
  
Gimbli: They do *points to a few guys, and waves.*  
  
Guys: *wave back*  
  
Gimbli: Well, here's one dwarf she won't ensnare so easily. I have the ears of a hawk and the eyes of a hawk. *arrow points in his face.*  
  
Sam: Obviously, foxes don't see too well. *arrow points in his face* um... help, Mr. Frobo?  
  
Legoflamb: *is seen pointing on arrow at the elves surrounding him* TRY AND STOP ME! HAHAHAHA! *arrow points in his face* dang!  
  
Aracorn: Haldir of Lorien. We come seeking your protection.  
  
Haldir: You have entered the realm of the Lady of the Wood. You cannot go back.  
  
Aracorn: Isn't it the Lady of the Light? I mean, its her bloody name, light lady.  
  
Gimbli: Oh yeah? Well, in the words of Baldrock, watch me! *tries to run away, but is stopped by a hedgehog who has fallen off of a tree and has impaled itself on his spikes*  
  
Hedgehog: Um... ow?  
  
Gimbli: I should remember to follow good examples from now on.  
  
So then the Buddyship heads on into the inside of Lothlorien, or called Lorien, but was shortened from its original name. I mean, lothlorien is quite a mouthful to begin with.  
  
Celebore: Where is Gandalf the Gay? For I much desire to speak with him.  
  
Lightlady: He has fallen into Shadow.  
  
Celebore: Oh, darn.  
  
Lightlady: But don't worry. You may rest here tonight.  
  
Celebore: Oh, yeah! We can stay up late, swap manly stories, and in the morning, I'm makin' WAFFLES!  
  
Buddyship: Cool!  
  
So they Buddyship had their first official sleepover. And all the HP haters will now hate me, because I didn't have a gruesome death for Harry Potter this time. Don't worry, though. In the second last chapter (because I'll make fun of the credits for the last one) I'll have JK confess ALL, and I mean ALL of the things she copied. Bwah ha ha ha ha ha ha!!! I mean it, it's going to be a hot day in hell!  
  
And I hope you mean 'tightness' in a good way. Oh, yeah. They finally found out what happened in the Friendly Fire incident that killed four Canadian soliders. All I can say: it's about bloody time. PEACE! 


	8. It's not delivery it's Delissio

Ok, all, sorry bout the wait, I was in Kingston over the weekend. I went there on a trip with Gifted last June, and I got very nostalgic driving through the Queen's campus and at Fort Henry. Worse than Ottawa, let me tell you.  
  
Oh, and an update on my soon to be Harry Potter bashing parody. All the characters have funnier, dumber, more insulting ec-names. (ecnarf names)  
  
(Harry Potter) Harry Pothead- none of this is real. He's just smoking some weird shit, and he imagines it.  
  
(Colin Creevey) IP Freely- don't ask. Just don't.  
  
(Ron Weasley) Runs Easily- that can mean two things. He's a coward, or he needs some ultra maxis with wings.  
  
(Voldemort) Vall-mart. Two things are guaranteed. You will be seduced by his "Lucius Malfoy, aisle five" and will be met by a greeter!  
  
(Albus Dumbeldor) Albus Doubledork- I borrowed this from Mad Magazine, but just to praise them on a name well done. He sent Harry to live with the Dursleys. Is it just me, or is his wizard hat on too tight?  
  
(Gilderoy Lockhart) Gilderoy Blockhead- he's so stupid, he gets his students to do his work. And why is he in the defense league and the order of merlin, which is a giant hoax?  
  
(Dobby the house elf) Dolly, the house sheep. Expect legoflamb to insult him, and he's a cloned sheep, sterile and has arthritis!  
  
(Minerva McGonagall) Minnie Magonoughall- the name just looks sick, doesn't it? Headmistress and creepy dame!  
  
Hermione Granger: Hermhiny Stranger- strange... very strange. Expect a lot of snootiness from her.  
  
Severus Snape: Severely Snapped. Also, from Mad Magazine. I mean, they just kick ass, don't they?  
  
Draco Malfoy: Dragodermic Malformed. No matter what he tries, he can't stop dressing like a woman!  
  
Padma Patil: Padme Potty-mouth. I know, JK copied that from Star Wars!  
  
Parvati Patil: Pastrami Potty-mouth: Again, my heritage and love for Italian food comes through!  
  
Crabbed and Boiled: They do enjoy seafood, don't they?  
  
Gorge and Fed: Might as well face it, they're addicted to love! (and food)  
  
Chamber of Secrets: Room of Rumours. So many rumours. Hmm... *gasp* Slithersnakes dress in pink bunny pajamas and do disco every Friday night?  
  
So I hope that's got you guys hooked. I know that's not all, but hey! Pretty good! I'm going to that movie with a notepad and pen, and writing down EVERYTHING!!! Or try to remember it. Yeah, piss off everyone within earshot. So, in this chapter we have:  
  
The Delissio guys, Harry Potter bashing, legoflamb taking a bubble bath in the mirror of Lightlady, and telling off Borrowedmirror for asking about the lament to Gandy!  
  
**************************************************************************** ****  
  
The Buddyship were in a flat piece of land in Lothlorien. Legoflamb was walking in a daze, walking with a candle.  
  
Legoflamb: a lament to Gandy...  
  
Borrowedmirror: What do they say?  
  
Legoflamb: I don't know, it's just a bunch of random words, allright?  
  
Borrowedmirror: Ok, can we get back to our drinking game?  
  
Celebrity: yes! So, who's got a secret to tell?  
  
Aracorn: *reads newspaper* look at this survey. It says that teenage boys would rather cuddle with their girlfriends than have sex with them.  
  
Legoflamb: Yeah, what a load of crap! I don't even need a girlfriend!  
  
Ecnarf: you've got that right. I mean, I thought that a figment of my imagination would be a little more strong minded than that, but a shelf is a shelf! (shelves are elves!)  
  
Celebrity and Gimbli: *play ping pong*  
  
Gimbli: *misses shot intentionally* whoops! I think I'll have to take another drink for that! *downs a shot of vodka* ah, that's the stuff!  
  
Celebrity: If you keep doing that, I'll never get any!  
  
Gimbli: Your point is?  
  
Lightlady: *walks in*  
  
Celebrity: Tie up that hair! Loose hair means loose morals!  
  
Lightlady: What's your point? *purrs*  
  
Celebrity: *realization dawns on him* oooh! Hey, wait! No prostitution in my neck of the woods.  
  
Lightlady: Hey, its my wood!  
  
Celebrity: *dissapointedly* oh.  
  
Aracorn, legoflamb and me: *talk about the girlfriend thing, though I'm not really there and am single, hint hint to the ladies*  
  
Harry Potter: *walks in* yeah, I know! Me and Hermione NEVER cuddle, just go for the goods!  
  
Ecnarf: What girl would ever go out with YOU? I mean, I could pick up a girl faster if I wanted!  
  
Harry: Yeah, that's saying a lot.  
  
Ecnarf: yes, it is, dumbass! I mean, look at you! You're short, scrawny, have stupid glasses, are a social reject, Cho won't go out with you and you are incredibly ugly!  
  
Harry: I see you've been looking in a mirror lately.  
  
Ecnarf: Don't make me come down there! *zaps him with a bolt of electricity*  
  
HP: YAAARRRGGHH!  
  
Ron: Did he just say he and Hermione are together?  
  
Hermione: I'm sorry Ron! Look, I wanted to tell you sooner, but you were so busy looking for a girl to look past your incredible ugliness and acne you wouldn't listen!  
  
Ron: *gets very mad, and kills Hermione, and finishes off Harry*  
  
Legoflamb: You know, I always knew that kid would turn out to be some good. *shoots him anyways* *searches for change* *finds piles of gold* hey, why does he have money? Aw well, he's better off dead and looted, anyway.  
  
All: Amen to that!  
  
Lightlady: I hope you guys don't mind, but I let the mafia stay over here tonight.  
  
Mob guys: *walk in, and sit down*  
  
Don Cortino: You had pizza delivered here?  
  
Joey Fazone: It's not delivery it's delissio.  
  
Don Cortino: You're bein' a wise guy. This is delivery.  
  
Joey Fazone: It's not delivery it's delissio.  
  
Pascuali Parmesan: Frankie Delissio?  
  
Franky Tomatto: I think I saw him with your sister *to Jimmy Bartelli*  
  
Jimmy: *grunts*  
  
Back to the Buddyship...  
  
All: Guh?  
  
Lightlady: Hug!  
  
All: What?  
  
Lightlady: Hug, it's guh backwards!  
  
All: Oh.  
  
Lightlady: ho.  
  
All: *are silent*  
  
Lightlady: *is silent, but backwards*  
  
Borrowedmirror: Drinking games, anyone?  
  
Ecnarf: -  
  
Lightlady: France!  
  
Ecnarf: What?  
  
Lightlady: France! It's ecnarf backwards!  
  
Ecnarf: *with mob accent* Jimmy. This lady here does not know when to quit. Her youthful looks and glimmer have served her well. And she gets rewarded with a nice, cool, Vanilla Coke.  
  
Jimmy: *hands her some white powder*  
  
Ecnarf: No, you fool! The OTHER coke!  
  
Jimmy: *grunts, and hands her the Vanilla Coke*  
  
Lightlady: *drinks, and gets a silly grin on her face, probably from being high*  
  
Ecnarf: Glad you like it.  
  
Lightlady: Well, I let them stay, and I get a free Vanilla Coke! Yay for me!  
  
Frobo: Can I look in a mirror? I'm getting five o'clock rust!  
  
Lightlady: Follow me. *sees legoflamb in mirror* Oh, for the love of *trails off* Did you HAVE to do that right now?  
  
Legoflamb: Yes, I did. Now, Frobo, if you'd leave us in privacy...  
  
Frobo: Don't you mean if WE would leave YOU in privacy?  
  
Legoflamb: Yeah, sure, whatever, kid. *winks at lightlady*  
  
Lightlady: *she's high, remember* hee hee!  
  
Ecnarf: *remember, I'm not really there* reminds me of last June. Went to play mike a round of pool in the Jack Astor's bar. Don't know what happened, because I was high for weeks! And what WAS I thinking? *bangs head on imaginary tree* must... get... thoughts... out... of... head! Damn, no amount of head banging will make me forget that. Some weird shit, I mean, I started thinking strange thoughts that NIGHT, and then for WEEKS I couldn't stop being happy.  
  
All: *don't hear what I'm saying*  
  
Ecnarf: Yeah, that happens a lot. Oh, and my friend Stephanie was wondering if I put her bf (my friend, and her former friend) neil in it. (Its her turn to be happy now) or Vincent. We'll torture Vincent for his stupidity.  
  
Vincent: Ow, ow, stop hitting me! *girlishly* Ow, ow! Quite elbowing me in the face when I'm vulnerable!  
  
Ecnarf: Mua ha ha! I can't get in trouble for this! Ha ha! *keeps hitting vincent* I love my life! Well, in the books, anyways. My real life sucks great big donkey balls. Pardon mon francaise, vous anglais parlezers! Harry Potter is a morceau du merde! Merde, merde, merde!  
  
Gimbi: *all Canadians in the house, remember Molson's thing for 'bubba') beer, beer, beer, beer, b-b-b beer, beer, beer, beer, b-b-b beer, beer, beer, beer! OH, when we get together, there's quite a lot of cheer! Imagine finding meat! That calls for a beer, beer, beer, beer, b-b-b beer, beer, beer, beer!  
  
Ecnarf: Something tells me he's found meat.  
  
Borrowedmirror: Me too.  
  
Ecnarf: Wait, that means we get meat AND beer!  
  
All: YAY! *eat the meat and drink beer, and get drunk*  
  
Ecnarf: Teehee! I'm so hammered!  
  
Lightlady: Hey, you mind NOT leaning on my car?  
  
Ecnarf: That's not a car! Here, puppy, puppy.  
  
Lightlady: I thought you were a cat person!  
  
Ecnarf: I am! And isn't legoflamb missing you right now?  
  
Lightlady: Whoops, sorry folks! Gotta run! *runs off*  
  
And so the Buddyship had their first official sleep over! Actually, it was an all nighter, but you get the idea. So, I hope you enjoyed this chapter, and next chap, the second last, we get JK's confessions! Huzzah! 


	9. The departure of JK

Whee, hee! I'm back, and ready for more! I have just realized: I should be more proud of this book than my other one (besides the obvious reason): everyone, and I mean EVERYONE has said this is either funny, good good, LOL, or something like that. I have also checked many of your profiles (yeah, I'm Canadian, and therefore legally bound to caring and being funny) and have found MANY, or almost ALL of you guys have added this to your favourites list! Go me!  
  
Hold on, let me pinch myself *pinches self* am I getting praise from daniLOTHlorien? My favourite and funniest author? I'm not dead, am I?  
  
Good, I'm still alive. I just got flamed in my other story by a complete bitch. Go figure. Oh, and after my HP bashing fic, we will have TTH: The Two Hours in the movie theatre. And after that: title to be released. I hope you guys realize how much your support has meant to me. I'm sorry I have to end this fic so soon. This is the second last chapter, but it'll be good. Oh, I swear it will!  
  
****************************************************************************  
  
The Buddyship were in their fancy Lorien Kevlar Canoes Lightlady just gave them.  
  
Sam: Ooh, pretty rope! Thanks for the gift!  
  
Pippin and Merry: Ooh, magical mushrooms!  
  
Borrowedmirror: Ooh, hair grease!  
  
Aracorn: Ooh, a razor!  
  
Frobo: What the hell? A piece of glass? *squints* made in China?  
  
Legoflamb: Ooh, Herbal Essences! (sorry, fangirls, I couldn't resist) Wait, no, here! A shiny new bow! And bubble bath bubbles!  
  
Gimbli: Hey, I got to look upon the Lady of Haldir again.  
  
Haldir: WHAT?????  
  
Lightlady: Hmm. I still have Gandalf's hair brush. Gave it to me in the Second Age, and still hasn't come back for it.  
  
And so the Buddyship traveled down the Anduin river for several days.  
  
Aracorn: *nudges frobo*  
  
Frobo: *doesn't move*  
  
Aracorn: *nudges harder*  
  
Frobo: *still doesn't move*  
  
Aracorn: *picks Frobo up, dunks him under water, and brings him back out, smacking his face*  
  
Frobo: *still doesn't move*  
  
Aracorn: Frobo.  
  
Frobo: *wakes up* huh?  
  
Aracorn: Look. The Argonauts! Long have I desired to look upon the Grey Cup winners of old.  
  
Argonauts (yes, Doug Flutie, don't deny where you came from!): *stand there*  
  
Frobo: Who are they? What are they? Where did they come from?  
  
Aracorn: They are Doug Flutie and Pinball Clemens, the most famous of the Toronto Argonaut players. They come from Canada, a cold and deserted land inhabited by monkeys like Stockwell Day, and Alanis Morisette.  
  
Frobo: Who?  
  
Aracorn: Oh, never mind.  
  
And so the fellowship passed by the Toronto Argonauts, who still have to share a stadium with a baseball team. Good thing the Raptors moved out, or we'd be in trouble. And soon they landed on the western shore.  
  
Legoflamb: We should move out. I sense something approaching.  
  
Aracorn: No, the Eastern Shores are patrolled by Olsen Twins.  
  
Legoflamb: I have a shadow of doubt growing in my mind.  
  
Aracorn: Legoflamb, that's just your hair growing too dense.  
  
Legoflamb: I know, I've been meaning to get it cut, but the girls won't love me any more.  
  
Aracorn: Eh, there's too much emphasis on looks these days. That's why Anna Nicole Smith can't go on TV during daylight hours.  
  
Legoflamb: Yeah, you're right. Wait! My spidey sense is tingling!  
  
Spidey: Hey, get your own supernatural sense!  
  
Legoflamb: Ok, my Shelvish sense is tingling! I sense great evil coming here! *looks around* NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! !!!!!!!!!!!!!!  
  
All: NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!  
  
Legoflamb: IT'S JK ROWLING!!!!!! AAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!  
  
JK: What? Am I that ugly?  
  
Buddyship: YEEEEEEEEESSSSSS!!!!!!!!  
  
JK: You know, I just wanted to escape from those stupid fans trying to weasel every piece of information out of me for the next book. And now you guys. What a day.  
  
Legoflamb: Shut up! You disgrace my people with your stupid house elves!  
  
JK: So I did. What else?  
  
Legoflamb: Well, you also copied the giant spider thing from Shelob, and IT (suddenly, Stephen King pops out) and you invented the book by Wizard of Oz style, you were high on drugs when you did it (guy who wrote that pops out) you invented the sad, depressed little boy with no life from Ecnarf (I pop in my human form) you also copied the red haired girl from Anne of Green Gables (Lucy Maude Montgomery pops out) and you copied Ron from Sam (Sam walks closer) and you copied 'dumbledore from Tolkien, and an old english book (some old english teacher pops out) and you anger the church by putting in witchcraft (the Pope pops out) and you copied the giant snake from Redwall (brian Jacques pops out) and you copied the sword thing from BJ as well (now the Abbey warriors pop out) and you copied that beginning scene in Goblet of Fire, well the style, anyways, was copied from Tolkien, and you copied your naming style from Tolkien, and you copied goblins from Tolkien and.. *is interupted*  
  
Christopher Tolkien: Yo! Will you stop copying my dad! (Richard Simmons' pop out)  
  
Simmons: shake shake shake! Shake shake shake! *wields his crappy exercise bar*  
  
Legoflamb: and you also horribly misconstrued the word witch and warlock (that old english teacher becomes madder) and you teach kids to break rules (angry parents pop out) and you copied house elves from elves from Tolkien, and you suck at putting humouor in the books *Wayne and Shuster, Royal Canadian Air Farce, the cast of this hour has 22 minutes, including Rick Mercer and Colin whatshisname, and the cast of Red Green pop out)  
  
Harold: Hwaaaaaaaaaah! (sorry, Canadian humour)  
  
Legoflamb: (all people from Just For Laughs pop out, which is a lot) AND Lucius Malfoy looks just like Haldir of Lorien (Haldir pops out) and Dumbledore is a mix between Saruman and Gandalf (they pop out) and all your spells are copied from Latin (Julius Caesar pops out)  
  
Caesar: Salad, anyone?  
  
Legoflamb: AND your 'polyjuice potion' makes absolutely no grammatical sense (old english teacher gets even more angry) and you centre your book around one little boy, which is very hoggish (a young, kindergarten teacher pops out, and spanks her) and you make the book to easy to make fun of (the MAD people pop out) and you copied 'Longbottom' from Tolkien (Chris gets even more pissed) and you fail to mention Italy and Netherlands in the Quidditch World Cup (ecnarf gets VERY pissed) and you use enough plot devices to make James Bond look like a Mac user (James Bond pops out) (Mac president pops out) and you ..  
  
JK: can you stop yet?  
  
Legoflamb: NO! *gasps for breath* and you copied the 'whomping willow' from Tolkien (chris is really mad now) and you make really gay books, which is an insult to gay people (gay people pop out) and you copied the word Padma from Padme from Star Wars (George Lucas, Luke, Darth, and Yoda pop out)  
  
Yoda: Copying leads to angry people. Angry people lead to stress. Stress leads to suicide. Once you commit suicide, no longer will you have a mob of fans. Ooh, Yada needs water!  
  
Luke: Use the force, Yada!  
  
Dark Vapour: Look (luke), I am your father.  
  
Look: No I'm not.  
  
Legoflamb: AND you also wasted five minutes of our lives! You will pay!  
  
All (and I mean ALL): *get real pissed*  
  
Legoflamb: *shouts* ok, HP haters! Start you JK severing devices! (all hp haters pop out, and wield their letter openers)  
  
All popped in people : *wield their blades*  
  
Buddyship: (wield their weapons, as described in past chapters)  
  
All: GRR!  
  
Legoflamb: Allright, everyone! Three, two, one, SLICE!!!  
  
All: *Slice JK into a million pieces, accidentally killing hundreds of Richard Simmons', not that it matters, and Borrowedmirror*  
  
Sam and Frobo: *comically skipping across the water, from a few minutes ago, trying to get away from the sight of JK*  
  
All: Take that!  
  
At this point, the comedians are starting to create hilarious punch lines.  
  
22 minutes, Rick Mercer: *points to a petition* we, as the Canadian people, demand that JK Rowling change her last name to boring. (Yeah, yeah, its been done)  
  
Air Farce, Colonel Stacey: And that's Chicken Cannon news! (I guess you have to watch it to get it)  
  
Others: Make general funny statements, which you can mentally enjoy.  
  
Readers with imagination: Ha ha haaaaaa!!!  
  
All popped in people : *pop out*  
  
Pope: *stays* I hope you realize dat you 'av rid de world... of a great evil. You should be commended. *pops out*  
  
Remaining Buddyship: Wow, praise from the pope!  
  
Aracorn: *sees borrowedmirror dead* NOOO!!!  
  
Borrowedmirror: I would have stabbed you in the back. My archnemesis. My insubordinate. My slave.  
  
Aracorn: Good he's dead. I hated him anyways. I didn't want to see such a beautiful horn wrecked.  
  
Gimbli and Legoflamb: YAY!!!  
  
Legoflamb: Hey, where'd Merry and Pippin go?  
  
Aracorn: Probably went insane from Richard Simmons song.  
  
Gimbli: Then the Buddyship has failed.  
  
Aracorn: No. Not if we stay true to each other. We shall not abandon Merry and Pippin to torment and exercise. Come on. Let's go hunt some exercise freaks!  
  
Meanwhile, in my head.  
  
You know, you gotta wonder. This last scene was actually the beginning of the two towers. And yet here they have it at the end. But they made the right choice. It's better this way.  
  
Meanwhile, with Sam and Frobo.  
  
Frobo: More and Less Door.  
  
Sam: Yep.  
  
Frobo: You don't suppose we'll ever see the others again?  
  
Sam: Yep.  
  
Frobo: Are you gonna say the same thing over and over?  
  
Sam: Yep.  
  
Frobo: Do you think you could get a brain transplant?  
  
Sam: We may yet, Mr. Frobo. We may yet.  
  
**************************************************************************** ****  
  
Well, there it is. The last official chapter of the Buddyship of the Thing. Next chapter: the credits! I'll post up all the reviews to date, so if you got something to say, please be nice.  
  
You guys helped me so much, and I hope you'll tune in to the last chapter. Sniff... my first completed fic already. Well, not yet. It's like graduation. Yeah, we'll all get laid. Yippee!!! 


	10. Credits

(doomy music plays) we are all here to witness the passing of a great parody. It was written by a funny Canadian, with a great sense of humour, and a hatred passion against Harry Potter. It was the first, yet is not the last. May its memory be filled with laughter and good reviews.  
  
Me: *sniffle sniffle*  
  
In the mean time, we shall SEND IT OUT WITH A BANG!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!  
  
Updates to what JK copied: She copied the evil cousin from my cousin Jordan. As well, she copied... oh, I can't remember!  
  
Secrets of the Harry Potter series: Ok, Durmstrang is in the Ural mountains. I mean Urinal mountains.  
  
Future books mine: Harry Potter and the Pile of Plot devices: my funny, but accurate version of the next book. As usual, filled with crappy plot devices.  
  
Harry Pothead and the Room of Rumours: Updates: Ah, yes, here it is: Hagrid. Becomes Haggard. Because it was copied from Hagar the Horrible. Hey, fatty, I got a movie for you! A fridge too far!  
  
The Two Hours: As usual, parody of TTT. I need something else to bash. Any suggestions? Oh, yeah, we'll kick Harry Potter's ass, but that's getting old!  
  
Harry Potter and the (haven't found it) for people who actually LIKE harry potter (like who would?), after (you know who's) death, Harry must come to terms with his own. In that one, I'm an undercover insulter. Harry goes suicidal! Ha ha!! (oh, you guys, don't read it. I'd hate to spoil your eyes)  
  
JK: Ooh, I've lost all my cash! I'm poor! People found me out! WAAAH!  
  
Ecnarf: Here, wipe your eyes with this *hands her a leaf*  
  
JK: Oh, you're so sweet. *wipes eyes*  
  
Ecnarf: *cannot control laughter*  
  
JK: What's so funny?  
  
Ecnarf: That's poison ivy!  
  
JK: NOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!! *eyes pop out purple, cannot stop itching them* WAAH!!!!!!!!!  
  
Ecnarf: Ha ha!  
  
Ooh, I just can't help but making people miserable. All who think that I could pick up a girl faster than Harry Potter say aye!  
  
All: AYE!  
  
I expected so much. Hey, even you lady readers could pick one up faster than him. So, anyone seen 'meet my follks' lately?  
  
Father: So, what do you plan to do with my daughter on the trip to Hawaii?  
  
Serial Rapist: Well, I plan to rip off her clothes, (beep beep beep) and (beep beep beep) and (beep beep beep)  
  
Father: *looks at other two guys*  
  
Perfect Gentleman: *sits there*  
  
Handsome guitar player: *sits there*  
  
Father: I think I'll go with the first.  
  
Oh, and how about the bachelor?  
  
Bachelor: Hey, mum? Which girl should I marry? The ugly prosititute? The one with big breasts? Or my favourite, the old stripper?  
  
And has anyone noticed how many shows there are these days with people flashing back to the past?  
  
Old Man: *wakes up to find himself sixteen* Aw well, I'm too lazy to make my life any better. *goes back to sleep*  
  
And how about my flamers on my other book? I mean, really? What kind of idiots are these?  
  
"F*uck no? You're kidding? I've never read anything worse!"  
  
Yeah, I've read something worse. It's called "your autobiography" I mean, if that's the worst you can come up with, you must REALLY suck. Or.  
  
"Stop posting and you'll make a lot of people happy"  
  
Yeah, like you?  
  
Hey, ya hear that a couple robbed a Starbucks at 5:30 in the morning? They found so little in the cash register, that they took over the place, worked it, and after a while, ran away. I mean, if you're gonna do that, you might as well get a job. But when you give in the application form, don't use Starbucks as a reference.  
  
Let's see, who else can I insult today? How about those stupid kid actors who signed on for the Harry Potter movies, essentially wasting seven years of their lives. Not that they have them, anyway. You guys see what Emma Watson wore to the English Premiere of HP? A grey t-shirt and a Christmas tree garland.  
  
Or how about Tom Felton, who is going to become a legal sex symbol when he's 18? The only thing that relates to sex with him is that he turns people off.  
  
Aaand Daniel Radcliffe, who intentionally deepened his voice towards the end of Chamber of Secrets. Making himself sound sexy, he's just imitating me, as previously described in his battle with being lonely and having no life. I'll kill him.  
  
Aaaand Rupert Grint.  
  
In other news, the Chamber of Secrets is one of the most anticipated movies of the year. It must be a sad year for filmmaking.  
  
Ah, yes, and I think I'll write a parody in limbo of the Room of Rumours. Harry Potter and the Pile of Plot devices. All the witty sarcasm in there, I'll willingly take on a bet that that comes true in ANY of the next books. No, really!  
  
In other news, I have learned some simple phrases in Sindarin, a form of elvish  
  
Suilad= greetings  
  
Lasto an nin lalaith= listen to my laughter (which is an insult) well, I don't think I'll be hearing that from any of you. For full details of that list, check out www.councilofelrond.com it's a place for LOTR news and information, holding fanfiction, maps, atlases, and other good stuff for us ringies! (lotr nuts) my screen name is Carancoe, the Sindarin form of my real name, Adam.  
  
Oh, and did you know that 'Celeborn' is actually pronounced 'keleborn'? No jokes, it is! "c" in sindarin is ALWAYS pronounced a hard "c". Shove that up your furry ass, Peter Jackson, who spent hours finding the proper pronunciation of almost EVERY word on or in Middle Earth.  
  
I can live freely now, the Thing is gone... I owe THAT to daniLOTHlorien, in a book now taken down by fanfiction.net. please, post it on councilofelrond.com, and tell me! I loved it so!  
  
In other disclaimers, I do not own: Men in Black, Terminator, Lord of the Rings, Harry Potter (but neither does JK), Reactin, Anna Nicole, the other Ringwraiths, Shrek, Delissio Pizza, Coca Cola, the Mafia in any forms, Osama bin laden, George W. Bush, his mother, pretzels, Star Wars, and all who have popped in.  
  
I do, however, own the anger and pain of Canadians who suffered from those DUMBASS soldiers who killed four Canadians. Here is what really happened.  
  
Pot mappy soldier 1: I see bullets being fired over a training zone where Canadians are practicing a live fire excersize! I think I'll drop a bomb on them, even though the bullets won't ever be able to hit me, and I can just as easily ascend higher!  
  
Pot Mappy Soldier 2: Achieving permission to drop bombs...  
  
ATT: Hold up, friendlies in area.  
  
PMS 1: OH, I'm dropping it anyways! *drops bomb waaaay too big for their tiny hands*  
  
Bomb: BOOM!  
  
PMS 1&2: Ooh, pretty limbs being blown apart!  
  
As you can easily see, there is NO wonder why they dropped that bomb. I'll kill them! GRR! Oh, and daniLOTHlorien, I'm sure, will help me. Right, eh?  
  
In other news, GEORGE BUSH wants to invade Iraq. Now, in my parody, I called the istari 'the iraqis' OH well, here goes my insulting insults!  
  
Bush: Hey, look, ma! *eats pretzel* I hit that guy on my list of evil guys to kill!  
  
Dart board: You know, I'm big enough as it is.  
  
Bush: *chokes on pretzel*  
  
Dick Cheney: *looks at him* yessss!  
  
Bush: *wakes up* Ahh, well, lets' call Congress!  
  
So, again, is there any wonder? OH, and thought du l'heure: If pro is the opposite of con, is congress the opposite of progress?  
  
I mean, that's the only reason I can find for it being called that.  
  
Hey, you guys think I should start out on a comedy tour? I'm getting good at this!  
  
In other news, Jean Crouton and his liberals want to build a glass parliament building.  
  
Jean: 'Ey! Look at dis! Biiiig glass eyesore, will piss of Paul Martin when 'e come into power!  
  
So, I guess that's the reason as usual. Is there much else I can insult? Hell, yeah!  
  
OSAMA BIN LADEN!!!  
  
Osama: Dear Diary: We are starting to run low on American Peanut Butter. I shot our chef today because he wasn't being creative. Personally, I would have kissed him if he just took salt and water and made us drink it. It has been a rough year or so, but I have successfully gotten away with attacking the United States, right in the United States! Go me! Dubya and Blair are just as dumb as I thought.  
  
But I have lost good friends over this time. Oh, well, the better for me! I get to keep their turbans! I often find American Soldiers, running away from a mob of Canadians nowadays. I should look up this 'Canada' and see if they'll hide me from the United States. I hear they still want me.  
  
Note to self: Must avoid all plots by the US to keep me out of hiding. So after today's airing of 'Osama, the Musical' I will never be seen in public again. I went to the doctor today to get some Postular Orthodics. Makes my butt look big. I'll never forget what the doctor told me...  
  
Doctor: Mr. Bin Laden, you have no muscle mass in you gluteus maximus.  
  
OBL: What are you saying?  
  
Doctor: Mr. Bin Laden, you have no ass.  
  
Well, I guess that's to come with being an international terrorist. I hear I've got quite a fan club over in Pakistan. Well, I must be going now. I hear the Taliban is being bomed into the Iron Age, what with all these bomb shells lying around.  
  
Love, Osama  
  
Well, there that is. Hope you liked it. And did you get the joke of the 'PMS' soldier? Not just a woman's problem, anymore.  
  
But something else must be done. You know what I'm talking about...  
  
THE SOPRANOS!!!  
  
Mafia Boss: *in a soprano voice* Ecnarf doesn't respect us Sopranos!  
  
Other guy: *also in soprano voice* And if he don't? I'll take care of him!  
  
Mafia Boss: Yeah, right! He's taping us right now! *points to me*  
  
Ecnarf: Hey, do you mind? I'm trying to shoot a video here!  
  
Other guy: I say he goes!  
  
Boss: I say he goes!  
  
Uncle Guy: *walks in* I say he stays! *hugs Other Guy to the left, right, and rubs up his back*  
  
Other Guy: *puzzled look*  
  
MB: Oh, yeah? Well *f- sign* that!  
  
Other guy: Yeah! *f-sign* that too!  
  
All Three: *converse in massive *f-signing* everything*  
  
Well, I'm smarter than you are. I'm Gilbert Smythe, bite me!  
  
Well, the CBC is celebrating 50 years of television. Its hard to believe its been 50 years already. But at least they don't have... The Women's Television Network.  
  
(that was a parody of Gilberty Smythe Bite-me)  
  
And I'm celebrating 10 chapters of wonderful parodizing, HP Bashing, Osama Insulting hilarity! Any good words? Anyone? OK!  
  
In other news, my 'acquaintance', as you should say, Josemine, and her 'friend' who I call 'Spork Friend' are pissing me off, and my comic wit just doesn't act up. Here's a scene...  
  
Josemine: *kneeling on ground tying shoes by her locker*  
  
Me and my friend Kevin: *are about to leave for Mr. What'syournames office*  
  
Josemine: What are you guys doing here? What's up with you guys just standing around me.  
  
Me: *laden with sarcasm* Well, we actually pine to see your face every day, so we just stand here admiring you.  
  
Yeah, that really happened today. UP YOURS, HARVARD!!! I won't even go into her friends antics, because I'd end up cursing, a LOT. But here's my other 'not really a friend' that Josemine likes because she tortures me.  
  
Deanna: *slaps me*  
  
Me: OW!  
  
Deanna: *tasers me*  
  
Me: OW!  
  
Deanna: *bangs my head against the wall*  
  
Me: OW!  
  
Catherine: Why are you torturing him?  
  
Josemine: I liker her! You two should go out so you can abuse him more.  
  
More or less, that's my life. But Catherine is actually my friend, so you get it. Wait, no you don't. So don't try to.  
  
... in other news, I have gotten a GOOD review from 'talentless', who never stops flaming my other book. Here's a word: Glad you like this, but WILL YOU GIVE UP FLAMING MY OTHER BOOK? Oh, and if you're wondering what happened to Viola, she's soon to appear in a dumpster in Kirkland Lake.  
  
In other news, here's my math teacher, name changed.  
  
Mr. Alex: Class, I want you to do page 146, number five.  
  
A few minutes later...  
  
Mr. Alex: Class, I want you to do number six... *later* seven, *later* eight.  
  
Mr. Alex: Class, for homework, I want you to do pages 147-148, numbers 1-8.  
  
Catherine: *hisses at me* HI! *waves*  
  
Me: *waves*  
  
So that's another piece of my life. Oh, and here's my science teacher, name changed, but like before, similar.  
  
Mr. Swordonastick: YOUR HOMEWORK: STUDY FOR YOUR SURPRISE QUIZ TOMORROW!  
  
You know what's gotta be the most useless thing on the planet? Science. I mean, we know THAT things work, but for most of us, we don't need to know HOW things work. Example: If it were scientifically proven that the world would end, do we have to know the exact details of our doom?  
  
First, all the volcanoes will erupt burning and burning EVERY (ow) inch of our skin, and then there will be a thousand earthquakes bringing down all the buildings smushing us, and then there will be massive fires, burning us once more, and then there will be massive floods, drowning us.  
  
Personally, I'd rather hop off a plane.  
  
OH, and I did a middle earth name translation for 'Harry James Potter' know what I came out with? Sorrowful Elf Maiden.  
  
I know, I thought the same thing. That site, www.barrowdowns.com yeah, that's the one, but its very random, and funny. www.elvish.com just click around, and you'll find the one with a real name-giver.  
  
In the next book, we'll have :  
  
Eowyn: Earwig.  
  
Eomer: Earbur  
  
Gandalf the White: Gandalf the Straight  
  
Theoden: Thesaurus  
  
Faramir: Farfromamirror  
  
And, of course, Gollum WILL be humming the Bell Canada theme, and WILL be telling what kind of torture he was subjected to. Ok, shall I tell you now? No, that'll ruin the joke.  
  
Oh, and I gotta see what the heir of slithersnake looks like, but Lucius Malfoy looks like Haldir of Lorien. I mean it! I'm gonna SMOTE JK Rowling to the bowels of hell. (notice BOWELS, as in lower intestines?)  
  
So, for the complete list of what humour I've borrowed, and have copied from copywritten:  
  
WHOO! Here goes!  
  
Lord of the Rings, Harry Potter, Snow White, Swiss Army Knife, Air Farce, Bell Canada, Smoky Bear, Terminator, Men In Black, Harry Potter, Red Green, Austin Powers 2, Austin Powers 3, Harry Potter, Harry Potter, Harry Potter, Reactin, Right Guard, Who Wants to Be a Millionaire, Jeopardy, The Price is Right, Open Mike with Mike Bullard, Family Guy, Austin Powers 2, Making the Band, Harry Potter, Star Wars, Dilbert's Rules of Order, Dilbert's Rules of Order, Fresh Prince of Bel-Air, That Banana Song, Shrek, Bell Canada, Toucan Sam, Harry Potter, RCAF, Shrek, Mad Mag, Harry Potter, Delissio, Coke, Molson Beer, Spider Man, Red Green, Star Wars, This Hour Has 22 Minutes, Just For Laughs, RCAF!  
  
And this chapter: Well, you get it. I just borrowed old humour from shows, I'll let you decide.  
  
Oh, and I'll soon be attending this mock-U.N conference, and I hope to be Netherlands. Here's my opening speech.  
  
Me: Hello, everyone. Being Dutch, I would like to clear up a few things about us. Firsht of all, we do not shpeek with funny acshents. If you want to hear it, go ask my great uncles. Thirdly *plops wooden shoes on stand* if you really piss me off, you'll feel the wrath!  
  
Well, I guess that's not so bad. In other news, my life is complete. I've now written a parody, written another book *not complete* and have held a gold medal!  
  
It's the most famous Gold Medal won by Canada in a loooong time. DaniLOTHlorien, I hope, will know. Right???? Well, it was Joe Niewendyk's. I think that's right. Well, anyways, I know his dad, so... HA!  
  
Oh, and Joe whatever's is dutch, too. So SHOVE IT!!  
  
Ok, ignore those last few sentences.  
  
Iiiin other news, it seems that girls are starting to openly flirt with me. Scary proposition. One of them, who many people will attest to, is Deanna, as I've shown before, who slaps and beats me ceaselessly. The other, as shown before, is Catherine, who, well, it's a classic. I hope I never tell her about this book, because I'm SO dead if she reads this. But if she comes across it accidentally, she'll think 'hmm... what a coincidence!' until she figgers out that I have placed my first real name, and think 'well, at least he's noticed' but then... oh, damn, I'm so screwed. Well, any advice? No, I will not ask her 'out'. Any OTHER advice?  
  
But, as promised, here's ALL my reviews. In brackets are my witty responses. Geez, I'm like the Toronto Sun, not that I live in Toronto.  
  
| |2002-10-05 |9 |Signed | |Danilothlorien | | | | | | | | |Wee, I'm somebody's favorite! I feel all special :) Canadian humor | |woooooo! The best kind. ROFL at Harolds Hwaaaaaaaaaaaha!!! LOL - | |gotta love Red Green, and 22 Minutes (its Colin Mochrie btw) and Air| |Farce (mua! the Chicken Cannon! Hee!) and Just for Laughs and... ok,| |Canadian comedy is the best ^_~ So GO YOU!! Poor Borrowedmirror | |*sniff* He didn't deserve to die in the wave of JK attackers, but I | |guess anything can be spared to see her go down, heheh. Loved all | |the reasons you had for all the starnge characters popping up. Wee, | |I like this story, I laugh my head off every chappie :) (well, am I | |your favourite? Hmmm? Oh, and Canadian humOUr is the best.) | | |2002-10-05 |9 |Signed | | | | | | |Simoriah: Girl of Summer | | | | | | | | |I'm REALLY sorry to say this (not really), but there's very little | |chance that I will EVER get laid...or married for that matter. I tis| |be liking fics that aren't trying to keep bad language out of their | |fics...those one's are so boring...but this one REALLY GOOD!!!! When| |I get chance, I tell my friends about this...and they might think | |funny as hell too! Then you have even more happy reviewers to be | |reading this fic...and the one for the second book (and movie) and | |the third book (and movie) and we'll all be sad when there's no more| |(get's all sad and stuff; looks as if about to cry)...then there'll | |have to be ones for the Silmarillion (this dude marries his sister | |in it...it'll make a GREAT fic...just like this one!) I probably | |didn't inspire you to write a fic like this on the | |Silmarillion...but I hope that somebody does...so I don't have to | |strain my half really old-half only goes up to 9 years old, then | |starts back at one again brain (half of my brain is so old it's not | |even funny; the other half goes up to the brain of a nine year old, | |then starts at one again...which is why I find that I'm so | |incredibly weird, and yet the smartest of my friends...how the hell | |did that happen?...oh well.). I really REALLY liked this fic...best | |parody-type-thing of LOTR I've read. I hope TTH is just as good...if| |not better!!^-^ (it took me three times to make sense of what you | |said. I used to think that too, but then realized there are people | |like you in the world.) | | |2002-10-05 |8 |Signed | | | | | | |Simoriah: Girl of Summer | | | | | | | | |Hip horray!! I got the stupid internet to work and I read funny | |stuff!! I don't really get the beer thing, but there was something | |on South Park called the beer song...it's funny! (but not as funny | |as this. I'm gonna go read next chapter now!^-^ (no, you have to be | |Canadian to get Canadian beer) | | |2002-10-04 |1 |Anonymou| | | | |s | |Talentless (talent_less_@hotmail.com) | | | | | | | | |Thanks for reviewing my drivel, I found this brilliantly funny, | |thanx for cheering me up. And no, i didnt flame you under a | |different name, I dont do moronic junk like that ;) (remind me AGAIN| |what you've called my other boook?) | | |2002-10-01 |8 |Signed | | | | | | |Starbrat | | | | | | | | |LOL! Classicly and venomously funny! (venomous, eh?) | | |2002-09-30 |2 |Signed | | | | | | |AloriaMoonbeam:TheLastFae | | | | | | | | |Smoky Bear! Meriadoc Brandyaddict! Dumbledore! Minor Tilith! Thongs!| |(yes, what about them?) | | |2002-09-30 |1 |Signed | | | | | | |AloriaMoonbeam:TheLastFae | | | | | | | | |Custard and corn starch! Isinthedoor! HAHAHAHA!!! (I shee) | | |2002-09-24 |7 |Signed | | | | | | |Simoriah: Girl of Summer | | | | | | | | |TIGHTNESS!!!! I never thought that bin Ladin was that smart anyways,| |hell, I'm probably smarter than him!!! This good good story, now | |more, please! (wait, hold up, bin laden SMART?) | | |2002-09-23 |7 |Signed | | | | | | |daniLOTHlorien | | | | | | | | |Heehee, FINALLY got around to reading the new chappies. OMG - I was | |laughing so hard when they got to Lorien. "I'm makin' WAFFLES!!!" | |That was so great, I love Shrek ;) | |HP bashing ~ check | |dissing of American soldiers by a fellow Canuck (sheesh eh? -_-) ~ | |check | |dissing of Their Man Dubya ~ check (LOL at the water/pretzel | |comments ;D) | |A fun story, although the HP death was a squig too voilent for me, | |but just good fun anyway! (THAT was violent)?) | | |2002-09-21 |7 |Anonymou| | | | |s | |arden | | | | | | | | |that was..well...interesting, to say the least. i liked it. i want | |more, so update soon! (interestering, eh?) | | |2002-09-21 |1 |Signed | | | | | | |Earendil | | | | | | | | |It's pretty funny. Not hilarious but pretty funny/ But for all you | |Harry Potter haters pweese read my stories! (I checked, but your | |profile is... empty. Oh, and its hilarious, all right) | | |2002-09-19 |3 |Anonymou| | | | |s | |Raider314 | | | | | | | | |DOWN WITH HARRY POTTER!!!!!!!!! (I was waiting for you to come | |along) | | |2002-09-18 |6 |Signed | | | | | | |Simoriah: Girl of Summer | | | | | | | | |Ah yes, Dr. Evil must always find his way in somehow doesn't he. | |And, uh, just to let you know, you accidentally put Legolas insyead | |of Legoflamb a few times around the part at the thing where Gimli | |was all 'why did my cousin die, I'm crying now' and you also put | |Aragorn instead of Aracorn once up there too...not to say that you | |suck or anything, but I figured you'd want to know...it's good, | |write more...and you made me realize that ecnarf is France | |backwards...tightness!^-^ (I did? Well I hope you meant tightness | |in a good way. Don't go copying my style!) | | |2002-09-16 |6 |Anonymou| | | | |s | |weirdo | | | | | | | | |this was really funni. keep going! (oh, I am!) | | |2002-09-15 |5 |Signed | | | | | | |Simoriah: Girl of Summer | | | | | | | | |Hello, I tis being back. I read, I saw, and Legoflamb kicked ass | |(normally I wouldn't say that about the HP peoples, but this is a | |special case...)! This is good, please write more...I'd beg and | |plead but it's against what morals I have...^-^(I am NOT an hp | |peoples!) |  
  
  
  
|Reviewer |Date |Chapter |Type | | |2002-09-12 |1 |Signed | | | | | | |ElvenPickle | | | | | | | | |Oh my god! FINALLY! Another HP detester, like myself! I am soooo | |happy that I found another Harry Potter hater. | |Good job (right now, all your fics can do no harm in my eyes, for | |the simple reason of being written by a HP non-liker-person.) | |YAAAAAYYY!!! | | | |good parody, too. keep it up! and keep the HP jokes coming! | |(really? Are we THAT rare?) | | |2002-09-10 |4 |Signed | | | | | | |Simoriah: Girl of Summer | | | | | | | | |Poor, poor Glorindel...may his spine, delicates, nads, | |unmentionables, ect. get better...that is, if it is the will of the | |author, for the author is the one who decides the fortunes of all in| |the fic! Good, good, good, now PLEASE write more...^-^ (oh, don't | |worry about GlorFindel. He'll be back. Wait, no he won't!) | | |2002-09-01 |3 |Signed | | | | | | |Simoriah: Girl of Summer | | | | | | | | |okay, my guess is that Richard Simmons is...no, wait, nevermind, | |that's Gene Simmons...I don't know who that guy is...but it sounds | |funny. This is good story...I'm now gonna tell everyone that I read | |a LOTR fic by that there's actually a song by Led Zepplin (band of | |aicent ages long forgotten when this generation was born and Hanson | |came to be...damn Hanson to Mordor for all I care!) called Ramble On| |and it mentions Mordor and Gollum in it, no joke...your story good, | |yes...I already said that, but i don't care!^-^ (Richard Simmons is | |the exercise freak we hear of.) | | |2002-09-01 |2 |Signed | | | | | | |Simoriah: Girl of Summer | | | | | | | | |Let me guess, when you wrote that last part you had just seen | |Goldmember, I've seen it twice, to the dismay of my friends who | |still have not seen it...this is good, I'm gonna read your next | |chapter now...^-^ (yeah I did. So what? Well, I just had to | |parodize something 'a') | | |2002-09-01 |1 |Signed | | | | | | |Simoriah: Girl of Summer | | | | | | | | |Okay, one question: is the guy's name 'Isinthedoor' or | |'Isinthefloor' because you had both on there, so I'm confused about | |that...this is REALLY good parody (no wonder you called it a super | |parody...). Could you please read my fic...^-^ (I don't care. Just | |let your imagination carry you to the FIRST thing you come to) | | |2002-08-31 |3 |Signed | | | | | | |Death Scribe | | | | | | |This story I like ^_^ I nearly popped a frog when you called Gandalf| |'Gandalf the Gay' XD I agree that JK Rowling copied like 3/4 of her | |books from LotR. A few examples: 1. one of the brands of pipeweed is| |called Longbottom leaf and there is a character in the HP books with| |that last name. 2. There are insects in Middle Earth called | |Dumbledores (I looked it up on the internet) 3. There are Orcs in HP| |too, the goblins (it has been established that Orcs and goblins are | |the same thing) - There are millions of similarities ^_^ Anywayz, I | |hope I didn't bore you with this. (you know, Stephanie likes frogs. | |Please don't pop them. And I used these things for hating JK more. | |The most useful thing in a review!) | | |2002-08-31 |3 |Signed | |daniLOTHlorien | | | | | | |Great story ecnarf! I love the people who are disguised as the | |Riders. Anna Nicole... ROFL. Plus, there's some Potter bashing, | |gotta love that! And don't worry, you can use a couple ego-bunnies | |to get reviews, I don't really mind... the little buggers multiply | |like mad! *gives ecnarf a few hundred ego-bunnies* | |As for your question about the Camaraderie of the Ring story.. There| |were some...problems... and the story should not be put back up. | |Don't ask. I'm bummed over it too -_- (wait, wait! Don't tell me | |to NOT ask, because I'll only ask more!) | | |2002-08-30 |1 |Signed | |Galadriel Greenleaf | | | | | | |funnyfunnyfunny! (yes, and you?) | | |2002-08-30 |1 |Signed | |Wigwam, Radish, Aardvark n' Co | | | | | | |LOL! Funny! Thank you for pointing out all the inacurracies..I wish | |I knew how to spell inaccuracies....oh well. i shall make my friends| |read this to prove to them that stuff is wrong and I'm not the only | |one who notices it (inaccuracies. Inaccuracies and I'd like more | |readers) | | |2002-08-30 |1 |Signed | |addicted | | | | | | |that was wicked funny. this fic is awesome! (as was yous, as was | |yours) | | |2002-08-30 |1 |Anonymou| |me | | |s | | | |this was pretty funny, considerin' it's all goofy. But I actually | |laughed. Good job on that! (no, you LAUGHED? Yeah, right!) |  
  
So, there they are. Oh, and I heard from OMNI 1 that this is the world's funniest joke.  
  
Two guys are out hunting. One man falls over, his heart stops beating and his eyes glaze over. The other guy calls 911, and the operator picks up.  
  
"My friend just collapsed! I think he's dead!" Gasps the man.  
  
"Well, first make sure he's dead." Says the operator. A loud bang is heard. The man is back on the phone.  
  
"Ok, now what?"  
  
I don't know, but maybe that girl "Pei" just sucks at telling jokes.  
  
Do any of you go to Catholic High Schools? Well, if you do, do the girls wear grey kilts? My school does. And you know, they are starting to remind me of those pixelation thingies you see to edit out nudity. Funny, I've seen girls hike UP their kilts to CREATE nudity. If only if we had that on TV.  
  
So there goes the book. May its memory be filled with good reviews and enormous laughter.  
  
PEACE OUT!!!  
  
(but not to the soldiers who killed the Canadians) 


End file.
